aidenonymous: (gender)
[personal profile] aidenonymous
I really don't want to make this post, but I feel obligated to.  It's been four weeks since I had top surgery, and I'm not enjoying recovery to say the least.

I've made a lot of progress.  I can lift my right arm over my head pretty far, and I no longer need anything over my right nipple.  I'm done with the post-op vest and can sleep in my bed again.

But my left side looks like hell, and I have no feeling anywhere.  My left nipple is still scabbed over, and where the scab is peeling there's just moist, white stuff underneath.  I've been using an antibiotic cream for a couple weeks now, which is why I'm pretty sure it's not infected, but it's also been keeping the area moist, which along with the hypertrophic scar around it contributes to it looking disgusting.  Also, I'm starting to worry about loose skin but still hold out hope that some of it will retract.  At least it means the swelling's going down.

I should be celebrating.  I no longer have to bind, and the contour looks fine under clothes, even when I have a bandage over my left nipple.  Instead, I feel rotten and like it will never get better.  On the other hand, I'm spending long hours out of the house and not thinking about my body when I'm working, aside from occasionally improving my posture.  Sometimes after coming home from work, I go out again for dinner or entertainment.  It's been so long since I did anything like that, because I let my whole life revolve around binding and my increasing distaste for it.  Despite my negativity, I think it was the right thing to do (and my partner agrees, even though he didn't want me to do it).  I'm just sad that I can't have my cake and eat it, too.  I wish I'd gotten to a point of enthusiasm rather than reluctant acceptance before surgery.

Also, random thing: I went back to the nutritionist this week and found out I'd lost a few pounds, which is not a good thing for me.  I came home and told my partner, and he had to remind me that that makes perfect sense since I had some body parts cut off since my last visit.  Duh!

I'm still off T (and will post about that in a few days, when it'll have been exactly a month since my last missed dose) and pretty sure the pessimism isn't related.  I'm not having general anxiety, just some depression.  I'll say this because it's both related to my surgery and to being off T, so TMI alert.  I'm having a period and my nipples really hurt.  I used to ice them when they got like this from PMS, but I can't feel anything on my skin on the right side, and the left side can't really handle it, so there's nothing I can do.  Yeah, I'm really not handling recovery well.  I'm very much debating whether/when to restart T, but that's a topic for another post.
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