(no subject)

Sep. 23rd, 2017 03:00 pm
firewhispers: (Default)
[personal profile] firewhispers
It's 85 degrees outside.
In September, in Pennsylvania.
Why am I wasting my time inside instead typing up my songs into a wordpad document and running a full windows defender scan on my computer?

I'm going to get dressed then open up all my windows and go outside and do...something.

Watch me bruise and bleed for you

Sep. 21st, 2017 12:39 pm
firewhispers: (Default)
[personal profile] firewhispers
I've been in good moods for the past 2 or 3 days now.
Last night, I was typing in Devin is... Into the google search engine. What came up was fucking hilarious. I'll do an entry with what came up later.
I have at least 4 songs I wrote saved in my phone. I have lots of notes saved. I don't use that pages thing.
I want new/more books to read. In ninth grade, I read books like Twisted, Speak, Smack, Cut, Go Ask Alice, and Sara Dessen books were my guilty pleasure. Twisted was my favorite book and I want to read it again. I want to read Prozac Nation too. I'm not sure if the public library would have books like these or not.
Also, book titles make good band names.
I'm not sure what to really update about right now.
radiantfracture: (Default)
[personal profile] radiantfracture
I was nearly welded today.

Our main building, containing cafeteria, store, offices, classrooms, is under construction. An enormous scaffold surrounds the front doors. Today, exiting with a sustaining bannana in one hand, I heard the burr of welding and then felt a sudden hot-cold shower on the left side of my head, just about the region of the parietal lobe. I put up my hand and plucked a speck of grit from my hair.

As I crossed the quad and mounted the stairs to my building, I began to work out that I'd been sprayed with tiny bits of metal -- little curled chips of aluminum were in my hair and speckled my sweater-vest like glittering lint.

It was not a great cascade of sparks or anything -- just a smattering and a peculiar sensation -- but Jesus. That could have gone into my eye. I spent the whole of my lesson on proper quotation partially convinced that a speckling of tiny holes might newly pepper my skull, like a thought-colander.

The Thought-Colander

After Ted Hughes

I imagine this midday moment's sensation-salad:
Something hot but lifeless
burrows into the occipital
makes a blank page of this field where
newly kindled hallucinations move

(etc.)

Sorry, Here's "The Thought-Fox" to Make Up for That

Actually by Ted Hughes

I imagine this midnight moment's forest:
Something else is alive
Beside the clock's loneliness
And this blank page where my fingers move.

Through the window I see no star:
Something more near
though deeper within darkness
Is entering the loneliness:

Cold, delicately as the dark snow
A fox's nose touches twig, leaf;
Two eyes serve a movement, that now
And again now, and now, and now

Sets neat prints into the snow
Between trees, and warily a lame
Shadow lags by stump and in hollow
Of a body that is bold to come

Across clearings, an eye,
A widening deepening greenness,
Brilliantly, concentratedly,
Coming about its own business

Till, with a sudden sharp hot stink of fox,
It enters the dark hole of the head.
The window is starless still; the clock ticks,
The page is printed.


* * * * *

I feel like "midnight moment's forest" must have kinship with Hopkins' "morning's morning's minion" from "The Windhover." Discuss.

Fine, Here's "The Windhover" As Well

Gerard Manley Hopkins

I caught this morning morning's minion, king-
dom of daylight's dauphin, dapple-dawn-drawn Falcon, in his riding
Of the rolling level underneath him steady air, and striding
High there, how he rung upon the rein of a wimpling wing
In his ecstasy! then off, off forth on swing,
As a skate's heel sweeps smooth on a bow-bend: the hurl and gliding
Rebuffed the big wind. My heart in hiding
Stirred for a bird, – the achieve of, the mastery of the thing!

Brute beauty and valour and act, oh, air, pride, plume, here
Buckle! AND the fire that breaks from thee then, a billion
Times told lovelier, more dangerous, O my chevalier!

No wonder of it: shéer plód makes plough down sillion
Shine, and blue-bleak embers, ah my dear,
Fall, gall themselves, and gash gold-vermilion.

* * * * *

Nobody alliterates like our Gerry.


Downdates (What an Update Isn't)

I skipped the monthly reading post for August because, well, there was so little to discuss. I have trouble directing sustained attention under conditions of anxiety (such as term prep). Combining with September will give the list a more respectable heft.

At least I'm transparent in my machinations.

Likewise I think if I'm writing a report on how the term is going -- which is an idea I like a lot as a way to chronicle the development of this course I love -- it'll have to be a biweekly report at best.

A propos of some (very positive) recent events -- I wish I didn't feel so terrible when happy things breathe themselves across the membrane.1

Something wonderful takes place and afterwards it feels like a crisis -- I can't be happy because I'm so convinced that it was secretly a disaster or I am about to make it one.

Too much jouissance. Not enough swimming laps and meditation.

{rf}

1. Isn't transpire a great word? All those spire words are a gift basket from Latin: conspire (to breathe together); inspire (to breathe in); aspire (to breathe on); expire (to breathe out) -- my library card is about to breathe its last -- what else? What others? I love them.

2. Actually, if I weren't so tired I might write though the whole of "The Thought-Fox" just for the exercise.

(no subject)

Sep. 18th, 2017 07:32 pm
firewhispers: (Default)
[personal profile] firewhispers
I took half a clonazepam a few hours ago because I was so upset and I felt like I was about to have a panic attack. It made me really sleepy. :/
I don't know what to make for dinner.
I went outside and sat up in the bleachers at showers field. That's my new favorite spot. I wrote a journal entry and a song that turned out sort of ok.
A bunch of people came and they were skating on the side walks and down the stairs. I wanted to skate with them but I didn't know them and felt too fucked up from the clonazepam to skate.
I'm so lame. I wish I would skated with them even though I really suck at it. I was nervous they would judge me or make fun of me.
I want to sleep...........

(no subject)

Sep. 18th, 2017 01:08 am
firewhispers: (Default)
[personal profile] firewhispers
I feel like there's something missing in my life and I can't exactly figure out what.

Dreamlog

Sep. 16th, 2017 04:32 am
radiantfracture: (Signifier)
[personal profile] radiantfracture
In the dream I am writing a story while trying not to plagiarize another story (both of course actually products of my one or multiple mind, which is always a relief to remember when I wake up, having offended or missed an exam not for my best friend or deity but only a module of myself).

In the story a modern (or possibly post-some-gently-apocalyptic-moment) city, like this city, is full of flags. Each office building, condominium, medical centre, and so forth, flies a flag on a topmost pole by which the building signals messages about its status -- this could be open/closed, but you could also flag more complex concepts, like a still semaphore.

Just now this seems like an eminently useful thing. It is 4:30 am, though, so my judgement may not be at its best.

Why don't we do this? A sort of citywide intranet of flags.

I suppose you'd have to be well above the city to really get a picture of what's going on, so we'd probably fall back on looking up a photo of the flags on the Internet anyway.

This has been a test of the emergency dream broadcast system. (Also of my new data entry system. I may or may not have acquired a certain hipster typewriting device.)



{rf}

Stormy weekend

Sep. 15th, 2017 08:36 pm
radiantfracture: (john simm)
[personal profile] radiantfracture
The music festival has started at the ballfield. It's about ten minutes' walk away, but the sound is like... like a live band encased in a plastic dome playing at full amplification about fifty feet from the house. It had a kind of fuzzed-out Pixies quality earlier. Now it sounds sort of like 80s retro rock.

I attended this music festival for one day some years ago and I had a terrific time, so obviously I've never been back, because who seeks happiness? Not me.

The festival tends to have quite a good and various lineup of pop and pop-adjacent acts, but I recognized very little of the list this year, so I haven't bought tickets to anything. I'm going to be helping to stain inlandsea's deck tomorrow, and this is festival enough for me.

This band, the band currently playing in a pit lined with faux fur in the middle of the front garden, is apparently called July Talk. I do not think I have heard of them. According to Wikipedia, they have a "reputation for explosive live shows."

Agree.

{rf}

ETA: I should say I don't dislike the sound, though its not being optional is an odd feeling.

Roommate roulette

Sep. 12th, 2017 05:20 pm
ng_moonmoth: The Moon-Moth (Default)
[personal profile] ng_moonmoth posting in [community profile] transandnonbinary
I will be attending a weekend retreat offering a number of intensive courses. Spouse had originally planned to join me until the course they had planned on taking lost an instructor and changed focus. So I'm going on my own.

If I was going with spouse, I would have a chance to peek out from behind my gender-normative disguise a bit, but only to the extent they would be comfortable with. That varies. Going by myself, I can go as myself if I want. But that might be challenging if I wound up sharing a room, depending on who I get, and the cost of not sharing a room is a big percentage of the (not cheap!) retreat cost.

My experience with the community interested in the retreat is that it is reasonably tolerant, and contains many accepting people. My impression is that there's a good chance that a roommate would be able to handle my expressing my gender variance.

Anyone had any experience with something like this? What happened? It's hard to measure the value of not having to misgender myself for a weekend in money, but that's what I'm facing right now. Anything I can find out will help.

(no subject)

Sep. 10th, 2017 11:38 pm
firewhispers: (Default)
[personal profile] firewhispers
My images are now suddenly locked? What's going on? They were viewable yesterday, now it's a blue box thing. What the hell is going on?

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