aidenonymous: (gender)
I've had a roller coaster of a week and really didn't want to write this, but I'm hoping I'll feel better getting it out.  tl;dr I've once again blown an opportunity to have gender not be a big deal in every aspect of my life and am not happy about it.

cut for abusively negative self-talk )

I did a lot more self-care today though.  I cooked two (vegan) meals for myself with enough leftovers to get halfway through next week without spending too much money and eating things I said I wouldn't.  And I got a new binder that's a lot more comfortable for long days and looks like an undershirt so I don't need an extra layer under my grown-up clothes in the heat.  I'm going to go to work tomorrow because I know being a badass at science will make me feel better about myself.

EDIT: update )

Ketchup

Aug. 4th, 2014 01:38 pm
aidenonymous: (gender)
I haven't been posting much, but things haven't been as boring as they were a couple weeks ago.  I upped my dose of T to 20.25 mg daily and am pretty happy with it.  I'm going to start posting T updates again this week to document new changes.

The most important news of the week is that I did not get a kidney infection. TMI )

Anyway, I missed all my important meetings last week and need to catch up.  I feel terribly about it and need to enforce some kind of normal sleep schedule so I do enough work.  But, I'm also hella distracted by concerns about moving.  I am successfully selling off lots of stuff I don't want to take with me to NYC, but there's still so much more.  How did I end up with all this ill-fitting clothing in the first place?!  I used some of that money to buy myself some grown up clothes on the internet but chose the wrong sizes, so I need to play the returns game.  I thought there was a decent chance of that happening, but it's still a hassle.
aidenonymous: (gender)
about T )

In other news, I have very little to report indeed.  I went to therapy yesterday and didn't have much to discuss, most of it about me trying to reinvent my image when transferring (eep) in a couple weeks because things with my mother actually went fine.  Passing as a teenage boy isn't going to be enough if I want colleagues I'll be meeting for the first time who know I'm in my mid-twenties to perceive me as male, plus I've been kind of wanting to dress my age for a while now.  Academics (in my field especially) dress incredibly informally, but I'm pretty much at the extreme end of that, and I think it would do me good to have more confidence in my appearance.  It's not really going anywhere, but I feel like it should.
aidenonymous: (genderqueer)
I kinda fell off the internet again.  I was really burnt out and barely made it to Spring Break.  I restarted T the week before break because I was a nervous wreck.  By then, I'd been having negative effects from stopping for about two weeks, and I couldn't cope anymore.  I'm going to make a T update kind of post about the whole thing, but the short version was that it was not pretty.  I basically got to the same point I was at when I started, unable to function without it.  I'll admit though, the first ten days or so were a valuable and hardly excruciating experience (that I have no plans to repeat any time soon).

I slept through most of the break and basically got nothing done but felt somewhat refreshed at the end.  I'm pretty much abandoning the project I've been working on for the past six months, which puts me at risk of not being able to take my comprehensive exam at the end of the summer, but I don't feel like I have much of an option.  Right before break, I made an appointment to talk to the head of the grad program and explained the problem.  It's not that I don't have time for research.  It's that I have only a few hours each day of peak mental productivity, and I can hardly get anything done like that, at lest not on something so abstract.  At our meeting, he told me that my advisor had just contacted him asking if I was alright, and he'd told her to go easy on me.  It's not what I want, but it may be what I need.  I don't know if this is awkward or expected given how I came out to him, but we have not said a word about it IRL and barely a reference has been made in e-mails.  Related: I need to write a coming out letter to my advisor and have been putting it off for almost two weeks. . . another thing I need but don't want, apparently.

words about my chest )

Anyway, I don't want to go into this unless I'm confident I won't regret it, even if my regular doctor, endo, and therapist are falling over themselves to write me a letter.  I don't know what I'm going to say to the surgeon when we meet, but I have six weeks to figure it out.  Maybe the surgeon will turn out to be a really good salesperson and totally win me over.  In the meantime, I should do that work I was doing before it occurred to me that I'd think better after getting this out.  I'm hoping I'll have enough spoons to catch up with folks here a bit this weekend.

Violence

Oct. 12th, 2013 11:20 pm
aidenonymous: (gender)
Today I committed an act of violence.  I went to work today and didn't realize I'd left my bike lights at home until the sun started to set.  I threw on my helmet and completely forgot that there had been a football game today and that I might have trouble getting back.  I was approaching the steepest incline of my commute when three bros on the sidewalk attempted to get in front of me to block my way.  One of them shouted something about getting my ass.  The smaller one who'd threatened me attempted to use his body to keep me from moving forward, so I plowed right into him, getting him right in the 'nads because he was positioned to straddle my front wheel.  I was destabilized from the impact and did have to get my feet on the ground for a moment, but I just got back on my bike and sprinted the rest of the way home.  I heard him yell in pain as I made it up the hill and thanked the ether that his two larger friends were too stunned to run after me.  I did not report the incident to the campus police; arguably, I was in the wrong for inflicting bodily harm on others for simply being verbally threatened.  In retrospect, I believe they weren't trying to threaten me with violence.  I think it's more likely that they thought I was a woman and were attempting to sexually harass me.  They probably got the idea from my helmet, which hides my hair and is also pink.*  That the provocation was based in misogyny makes me even more proud of having hurt someone, however, I'm also left scared that I'm going to need to work harder to assimilate as binary if I don't want to become a victim of something beyond a verbal threat.  Perhaps it's time to get a new helmet.

*Why a pink helmet? )
aidenonymous: (Default)
I've been thinking about making this post for about a month, since cutting my hair short, and to a cut I liked, but I didn't get off my ass to do it until now, after my first trim turned into my first bad haircut.  I'm sure I'll recover as it grows out, but I have to deal with a couple weeks of hating the reflection of my own goddamn face and doubting the decision to cut off three feet of hair all in one go.

Anyway, I had a short haircut that I loved for the last month, for the first time since I was a kid.  I started being read as male pretty much all the time and felt enormously confident compared to when I had long hair.  I started feeling very strongly like my presentation was a good representation of who I actually am and something I was happy to see in the mirror.

As I adjusted to being seen the way I want to be seen, I started feeling like my name, Ilan, may not be the best fit.  I still hate being called my old, feminine name, but I'm leaning more and more toward using a gender-neutral name.  Basically, now that I feel more secure in my masculinity, I don't feel like I need a 100% male name anymore, the way I did when I had long hair and was constantly misgendered.

I'm transmasculine, but I'm also genderqueer, and I feel like I've let myself forget the significance of my non-binary identity in pursuit of passing, with the short hair, the male name, and masculine clothes.  I don't think I'm going to change the way I've dressed my whole life, and I like my hair short for reasons other than gender, but this isn't the first time I've considered going by a different non-birth name.

As I've said before, Ilan would have been my middle name had I been born with "boy parts," and my first name would have been a common, gender-neutral name.  My parents frequently told me this story as a child, and when I came out to my mom, she apologized for not giving me that name in the first place.  I guess I'm making this post to say that I agree with her now and am seriously thinking about going by that other name.

I'm about to move to a new place where I don't know anyone, so I have a good opportunity to try it out.  Awkwardly, I know there are several other people (all male, I believe) with that gender-neutral first name of mine who I'll be working with on a daily basis.  However, I'm mostly worried that I'll want to go back to being called Ilan, since I've never had a common name before, and then I'll have to navigate asking people to call me a different name, something I've almost entirely avoided in transition.
aidenonymous: (sulu)
I spent today in San Francisco and was consistently read as male.  I was "gentleman" when buying lunch, "lad" when I looked lost, and "man" when talking with strangers in a bar.  In San Francisco, where people are pretty used to differentiating between butches and men!  I feel pretty damn accomplished about that.  (-:  Oh, and I wasn't binding, and I didn't make any effort to keep my voice deep (although at least the first two instances of being correctly gendered were before I said anything), and I was wearing what are technically women's shoes (but they're Tevas and look pretty unisex anyway; I just bought them because my old ones are extremely worn out and I couldn't find my size in boys'/men's).  Anyway, still feeling like a success here!

In other news, my Frog Bra replacements from Les Love Boat arrived and leave something to be desired.  The size S of this is too big, enough that the elastic doesn't hold it in place and it rides up in the front.  I'm trying to exchange it for a different item, since getting it in a smaller size isn't an option, but if anyone here has a ribcage that's about 30"-32" around (and an overall chest measurement no more than about 36", I'd say) and has been looking for something like the Frog Bra for "lite" binding, definitely let me know.  Meanwhile, the size S of this is too small, though not unworkably so.  I was hoping it would be more forgiving like the Frog Bra, but actually it's pretty damn tight, like a real binder. . . not exactly what I was trying to get, but it will still be appreciated.  *sigh*

EDIT: Bah, the Extra Comfort Sports Bra is tighter than any other binder I own, including the Wide Coverage Short Binder I outgrew when my lats expanded from rock climbing.  If they don't let me exchange the High Performance Sports Bra for a different model, I think I'm going to try to exchange the Extra Comfort Sports Bra for a size M and hope someone will buy the High Performance Sports Bra off of me.  )-;  This is going to be expensive, and I'm moving so it's also going to get real complicated real fast.
aidenonymous: (Default)
Gaah!  Reading about this made me feel a little ill just now.  I actually love the idea of this event, giving cis folks (and maybe binary-identified trans people) an idea of what it's like to be transgender, and especially non-binary identified.  But when I read the description, it reminded me of my own cowardice and the toll taken by "the path of least resistance."  I would not be able to take this challenge right now!


rambling about bathrooms, locker rooms, and pajamas )
aidenonymous: (chekhov)
I just read something that really resonated with me.  I wanted to post some excerpts that I strongly identified with, just to record them somewhere.

emphasis mine )

my response )

*sigh*  That ended up being more depressing than I'd hoped.  Anyway, back to proofreading my personal statements.  Happy New Year to anyone who's reading this!
aidenonymous: (Default)
I had a little reunion with some high school friends today at my high school, with the help of a favorite teacher of ours.  One of my friends who was a little, babyfaced kid six years ago looks about ten years older than me now.  When another teacher came into the room where we were hanging out, she had to ask who each of us was because, hey, it's been a while.  But when she found out who the tall, dark, and handsome guy was, she blurted out, "Oh my god, you look like a MAN!"  It was hilarious, and everyone cracked up.

People said I didn't really look any different, though I dress better now.  I certainly hope this isn't some reflection of my gender issues, but I really wish people thought I looked different and more masculine after I started seeing myself that way. 

EDIT: On the other hand, it's really reassuring to be told that nothing has changed, because it makes me more certain that I'm not identifying as transmasculine because I got the idea into my head that it's an especially cool thing to do (not that it's got to be uncool or something, but I've heard people talk about being transgender as if it's a fad, just because there's been a recent increase in visibility, especially on the Internet and especially of FTM folks).  It's sort of like the feeling of relief when I come out to people and they say they knew it all along and aren't the least bit surprised.  Damn, I just wish I could have my cake and eat it, too.
aidenonymous: (freddy mercury)
LJ keeps eating the post I'm trying to make, so I'll try to make it brief, because my posts are deleted as soon as I try to use the goddamn Cut Wizard (or do it manually in HTML).

I haven't posted lately because I'm depressed, but I'm depressed (at least in part) because of vitamin deficiencies.  I won't buy more vitamins because the only ones that have all the stuff I'm deficient in are "women's" vitamins, and I'm stubborn.

I started but quit an exercise program due to being a complete wimp.  Which is to say, I have no endurance and may not know how to do a proper pushup.  But I might try again when I'm less sick.

I went to my first doctor's appointment on my new insurance to get my prescriptions refilled, and it went very poorly.  The doctor was pushy about me not getting a Pap because I'm over 21, despite not having any risk for exposure to HPV.  But the doctor didn't seem concerned that I was ignoring a chronic condition that I've had to have surgery for in the past, and she tried to prescribe me a dangerous medication without mentioning the risks.  At least she didn't blatantly assume I was a lesbian.  And to add insult to injury the insurance company sent me a letter saying that I hadn't picked a primary care doctor yet, which was bullshit because I'd just had an appointment with one.  No, the letter went on to say that all females over 18 enrolled in the plan had to also pick a gynecologist, and if I didn't pick one, they'd pick one for me.  If they do, I will call and complain, but I doubt I can do much more than that.

I also went clothes shopping because it's colder in San Francisco than it is in Los Angeles, and I was consistently read as a non-binary gender.  It was great, except for one salesperson who seemed to think that queer was contagious.

Anyway, I'll be catching up on LJ when I'm not obsessively watching this.

Edited for more LJ code fail.  No clue what's going on here.

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aidenonymous

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