aidenonymous: (gender)
I've had a roller coaster of a week and really didn't want to write this, but I'm hoping I'll feel better getting it out.  tl;dr I've once again blown an opportunity to have gender not be a big deal in every aspect of my life and am not happy about it.

cut for abusively negative self-talk )

I did a lot more self-care today though.  I cooked two (vegan) meals for myself with enough leftovers to get halfway through next week without spending too much money and eating things I said I wouldn't.  And I got a new binder that's a lot more comfortable for long days and looks like an undershirt so I don't need an extra layer under my grown-up clothes in the heat.  I'm going to go to work tomorrow because I know being a badass at science will make me feel better about myself.

EDIT: update )
aidenonymous: (genderqueer)
I kinda fell off the internet again.  I was really burnt out and barely made it to Spring Break.  I restarted T the week before break because I was a nervous wreck.  By then, I'd been having negative effects from stopping for about two weeks, and I couldn't cope anymore.  I'm going to make a T update kind of post about the whole thing, but the short version was that it was not pretty.  I basically got to the same point I was at when I started, unable to function without it.  I'll admit though, the first ten days or so were a valuable and hardly excruciating experience (that I have no plans to repeat any time soon).

I slept through most of the break and basically got nothing done but felt somewhat refreshed at the end.  I'm pretty much abandoning the project I've been working on for the past six months, which puts me at risk of not being able to take my comprehensive exam at the end of the summer, but I don't feel like I have much of an option.  Right before break, I made an appointment to talk to the head of the grad program and explained the problem.  It's not that I don't have time for research.  It's that I have only a few hours each day of peak mental productivity, and I can hardly get anything done like that, at lest not on something so abstract.  At our meeting, he told me that my advisor had just contacted him asking if I was alright, and he'd told her to go easy on me.  It's not what I want, but it may be what I need.  I don't know if this is awkward or expected given how I came out to him, but we have not said a word about it IRL and barely a reference has been made in e-mails.  Related: I need to write a coming out letter to my advisor and have been putting it off for almost two weeks. . . another thing I need but don't want, apparently.

words about my chest )

Anyway, I don't want to go into this unless I'm confident I won't regret it, even if my regular doctor, endo, and therapist are falling over themselves to write me a letter.  I don't know what I'm going to say to the surgeon when we meet, but I have six weeks to figure it out.  Maybe the surgeon will turn out to be a really good salesperson and totally win me over.  In the meantime, I should do that work I was doing before it occurred to me that I'd think better after getting this out.  I'm hoping I'll have enough spoons to catch up with folks here a bit this weekend.
aidenonymous: (gender)
So I convinced myself that I was okay with shaving for the long and short term future and would teach myself after this week, when there's a break.  I planned to start T again on Friday. . . and then I didn't.  I got into the loop of "but I don't need it" and got stuck.  I miss feeling sure of myself.  I've been so swamped with work because I'm unable to set priorities and get anything done.  I can't seem to get out of it and don't like the idea that T will help.  On the other hand, I remember that feeling of calmness that I got when I first started T, like all the noise in my head of panicking over every little fucking thing was finally silenced.  (I can't even focus enough to write, here or in my paper journal.)  I've been feeling really terribly about my body for the past week, in part because I'm bleeding, although I like to think I usually handle it better than this.  I want that peace back, but I can't seem to make a decision about the cure for my indecisiveness!  If I'm not enjoying this break from T (and I definitely am not), why can't I just end it?  I'm gonna go hate myself offline now.

Blur

Jul. 1st, 2013 12:03 am
aidenonymous: (gender)
I rudely walked out of playing games with people today because I couldn't handle them referring to me by my birth name (there are exactly three people in this town who do that, due to meeting them before I decided to go to school here) and making jokes about me not having a dick.  I am in a weird place right now where I'm wallowing in isolation, but taking every action to isolate myself further.  I've been having recurring dreams about my dead friends.  Why are so many people I cared about dead?  I'm sleeping a lot but not really aware of feeling depressed.  I feel a lot of pressure related to my research and a lot of fear of having to teach again, but I can't identify other sources of stress in my life right now.  I'm just more interested in escaping real world problems than facing them head on.  It's like the better I feel about my body, the worse I feel about everything else.  I got drunk two nights ago, for the first time ever, just to see what it was like -- a balance between fun and uncomfortable -- and am glad no one but my partner was there to see it happen.  That was the day after I made the conscious decision to indulge irresponsibility and flake out on a commitment without reason or warning; no one called me out on not cleaning the kitchen on my assigned night at the house, but I apologized today nonetheless.

EDIT: I can't honestly claim I was drunk, just drunker than I've ever been before.
aidenonymous: (gender)
I feel guilty that I haven't been posting recently.  I've been tyring to let work take over again but I keep getting sucked into mindless web browsing (mostly Reddit).  I'm feeling really unmotivated even though I'm consciously excited about my work.  I've also been dealing with my best friend outing me and trying to repair the damage to our relationship and my relationship with his parents.  That's really a matter for a separate post.

I also filed my passport application yesterday, although things hardly went as planned.  The postmaster didn't even notice that I'd checked the M box and never asked for my letter.  He also didn't notice all my ID was expired and made sure to comment on how "pretty" I am and address me as "miss" at least once per sentence.  I called the State Dept. afterwards and they said they'd contact me if anything was missing, and I'm worried that it will delay my passport application by enough that I can't go.  The silver lining is that I was approved for funding for the trip.  /-:

The past week or so has been awful for dysphoria.  I've been down on myself about my body -- I'm not gaining weight, but I am gaining body fat due to not getting out and doing anything. The rate of misgendering has skyrocketed, although that could be due to a combination of office drama (and horrible officemates who love reminding me that they think I'm female), the process of changing documentation (and interacting with godawful bureaucrats who don't even notice the sex marker I select because I'm so obviously female to them), and a general loss of confidence (which has led to a feedback loop).

I'm sure it's not helped by the fact that I haven't even had the spoons to bind regularly -- I'm small enough at this point that it can't be the biggest reason why I'm not passing, but it must contribute -- and have been going home early just to get out of having anything more than an undershirt on.  Just having anything on my chest is making me think about it too much to focus on anything else, and as long as I'm alone and not moving, I don't even notice that anything's wrong with it unbound.

On top of everything else, it's been really hot here for the past week, to the point that I'm arriving at work drenched in sweat.  If AndroGel can't be washed off for 5 hours after application in order to be fully absorbed, I'm pretty sure my effective dose has decreased.  This could explain my voice plateauing higher than its lowest so far (although definitely lower than when I started), something that's been bothering me a lot and contributing to the problems of the previous paragraph.

I ran the idea of doubling my dose by my partner, and he was really not happy about it.  He thinks I've had more emotional issues since starting T.  I was afraid he meant anger or mood swings, but he clarified that he meant my ADHD has worsened and I've been practicing more avoidance of responsibilities.  I talked with him about it and he was reasonably understanding, mostly because double my current dose is the same as the dose I was actually prescribed, but he still wanted me to wait until I talked to my therapist.

However, today was especially difficult due to having to interact with my peers in my home department, and the dysphoria was keeping me from getting any work done.  So, starting today, my 51st day on T, I'm taking the full 2.5 g.  Since today is also my 9 year anniversary of dating my partner (yeah, we got together really young, definitely not expecting this relationship to last so long), I wanted to talk with him first and make sure he could handle me doing this now (and he said he'd be okay), so the doses are about 8 hours apart.  Until it cools down enough that my sweat won't immediately wash off a decent fraction of it, I'll be applying two pumps in the morning. 
aidenonymous: (chekhov)
I swear I'm trying to do something to get myself out of this rut.  I was supposed to go to the psychiatrist I wasn't crazy about today, but her receptionist canceled the appointment because she's apparently sick.  They rescheduled me for just before New Year's.  That's a long time from now!  I've been sleeping all day every day for weeks, and I can't seem to stop.  I don't know how much longer I can wait.  Although that's not really related to the shrink, as I wasn't keen on talking to her about any actual problems anyway.  I thought about it last night and couldn't decide whether to try to come out to her or to just try to keep things focused on the stuff I'm being medicated for.  Trust issues much?  Yeah, I'd say I'm working on it, but that'd be a lie. 

Anyway, I haven't really felt like posting lately.  I have things to say, but I don't feel like they're worth writing down.  I can't seem to get any work done, but I don't want to engage in my normal time-wasters either.  I may take an official hiatus when I go back home, even though that's when things will probably get better and I'll have lots to say.  I might just save it up elsewhere and post it all at once when I get back.  And, yeah, first thing when I get back after my trip home, there will be therapy, oh yes, lots of it.  I'm going to liquify myself if I keep trying to hold it all in.

Da Funk

Oct. 26th, 2011 06:12 pm
aidenonymous: (Default)
Hey, folks.  Hopefully I haven't been gone so long that no one recognizes my avatar anymore.  I feel bad for losing touch with the strongest connection to the LGBTQ community that I have right now.  I've spent the past few weeks being genuinely depressed.  Like, need a pep talk to get out of bed depressed.  I don't really feel like going into detail now that I'm feeling better, but suffice to say, I don't think I'm over it for good.  I wish I could say I'm making my mental health a priority, but that would be a lie.  I don't have enough momentum to get myself out of this yet.  I fully expect to float on well into 2012, though, and maybe I'll actually keep my New Year's Resolutions this time around.

Anyway, I'll be catching up with my more prolific friends in the next couple days and am working to not lose contact again.  I hope everyone's in better condition than I am.
aidenonymous: (freddy mercury)
LJ keeps eating the post I'm trying to make, so I'll try to make it brief, because my posts are deleted as soon as I try to use the goddamn Cut Wizard (or do it manually in HTML).

I haven't posted lately because I'm depressed, but I'm depressed (at least in part) because of vitamin deficiencies.  I won't buy more vitamins because the only ones that have all the stuff I'm deficient in are "women's" vitamins, and I'm stubborn.

I started but quit an exercise program due to being a complete wimp.  Which is to say, I have no endurance and may not know how to do a proper pushup.  But I might try again when I'm less sick.

I went to my first doctor's appointment on my new insurance to get my prescriptions refilled, and it went very poorly.  The doctor was pushy about me not getting a Pap because I'm over 21, despite not having any risk for exposure to HPV.  But the doctor didn't seem concerned that I was ignoring a chronic condition that I've had to have surgery for in the past, and she tried to prescribe me a dangerous medication without mentioning the risks.  At least she didn't blatantly assume I was a lesbian.  And to add insult to injury the insurance company sent me a letter saying that I hadn't picked a primary care doctor yet, which was bullshit because I'd just had an appointment with one.  No, the letter went on to say that all females over 18 enrolled in the plan had to also pick a gynecologist, and if I didn't pick one, they'd pick one for me.  If they do, I will call and complain, but I doubt I can do much more than that.

I also went clothes shopping because it's colder in San Francisco than it is in Los Angeles, and I was consistently read as a non-binary gender.  It was great, except for one salesperson who seemed to think that queer was contagious.

Anyway, I'll be catching up on LJ when I'm not obsessively watching this.

Edited for more LJ code fail.  No clue what's going on here.
aidenonymous: (Default)
No, I'm not really that much of a humbug.  I wanted to write a summary of this year, because it's been a rough one for me.  But, some parts were so bad I couldn't write much about them.  Stupid emotions!  So, here's the short version. . .
lightning-speed summary of 2010 )

Anyway, the start and end of the school year is a much better delineation between years for me, so I can pretend it's not that big of a deal that I can't get my shit together about last year.  More seriously, that's actually the reason why I'm not making many New Year's resolutions, because I've already planned a bunch of big changes for when I have less on my plate during my gap year, after I graduate this spring.  I only have one resolution, and that's to get into gender therapy, because I'm a mess right now and need some outside help.  It doesn't sound like much, but with my insurance and history with therapists, it could take most of the year. . . wish me luck!

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aidenonymous

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