T Update

Oct. 5th, 2015 03:39 pm
aidenonymous: (gender)
I was off T a grand total of about ten weeks before I saw a super-competent trans activist NP and went back on ultra-low dose gel teamed up with raloxifene, an E blocker, on 21 September.  It's only been a couple weeks, and I haven't noticed any changes or side-effects, not even the mania I got every time I started or re-started T, possibly because my other meds have changed up a bit, too.

Okay, that's not quite true; there was the one day when I forgot my T but remembered the E blocker, and I had what I think might have been a minor hot flash.  I was out in the cold wearing a hoody and windbreaker, and suddenly I had to unzip the windbreaker and wished I could unzip the pullover hoody.  By the time I got home fifteen minutes later I felt fine, but that's my best guess at what happened.  I will definitely try to be more careful about remembering my T now that it's an every day thing again.  Once I get stable with it I'm going to investigate other delivery methods so I can maybe be lazy with memory again.

I'm finding it hard to get back into the routine of being on gel again.  I apply it in the morning but have been showering around dinnertime/when I get home from work so I can sleep without clothes without exposing my partner to it.  My hair has been derp-tastic at work because of this, but I just can't talk myself into showering twice a day.  I've been having really bad dysphoria since I made my last medical transition update post and can't shower unless I turn the lights off and play really loud, complicated/engaging music.  Showering is definitely the low point of my day.

Speaking of medical transition updates, there will be no more top surgery updates.  Dear posterity, I apologize, but I just can't.
aidenonymous: (gender)
That's me alright.
I made a decision today. )

I also picked up my inhaler from the pharmacy today.  My endo sent the script electronically because albuterol isn't a controlled substance, and I didn't see until today that I'm supposed to use it four times a day.  My previous inhalers were either for emergency use only or twice a day, so either this is a different concentration or my asthma is way worse than it was before.  Also, I used it and didn't feel immediate relief.  I'm still coughing up mucus all damn day and apparently making a wheezing sound when I do it.  I'm going to try to make an appointment with my GP just in case my endo was wrong about the congestion, since that's a problem I'm more familiar with.  I guess I have trouble believing that the feeling of not having enough air in my lungs is caused by constricted airways rather than fluid build-up just because that's happened more to me over the past four years.

I chickened out on picking up my prescription for T.  I have about a month's worth of 1% gel left in the pump, plus over a month's worth in packets.  When I got to the pharmacy, I asked if I had refills on the 1% pump and they said yes and started filling the prescription.  My insurance apparently thinks one box with two pumps is a 60 day supply (when it's actually a 120 day supply), so they won't let me fill the prescription for the higher dose until late August, after I move.  I should be excited about starting the higher dose, but I'm actually really nervous.  I feel like I have a good thing going here and don't want to fuck it up by increasing the dose.  I can fill one and then have the other mailed to me in NYC but haven't yet decided which to fill first.  I've had enough difficult decisions for one day so will deal with this one tomorrow.

Oh, also, I told my Ph.D. advisor-to-be that I'm transferring and he's happy for me!  He didn't even ask me to terminate my contract.  I feel badly about spending his start-up-money when he's not getting a Ph.D. student out of it, but he didn't take up my offer, and I could really use the cash right now.  He had some advice about who I should work with, and I'm glad that it was advice I was already taking.  He actually wanted me to get started with someone there right away, so that's what I'm going to try to do!  I was actually drafting an e-mail for faculty at the new place before I heard back from my advisor, so that's a good sign that I'm not totally incompetent, right?  Okay, actually going to sleep now.

Fear

Feb. 15th, 2014 04:17 pm
aidenonymous: (gender)
I've got far too many half-written posts to be starting another, but I guess this is kinda important.  I pulled an all-nighter on Wednesday-to-Thursday and forgot to apply my T the next day.  That was actually the first time I forgot to do it at all.  "No biggie," I told myself.  I got home late and decided to apply it at midnight and let that be the dose for Thursday and Friday.

Last night, I looked at my face in the mirror and saw dark hairs growing on my upper lip and got scared.  When I woke up this morning, the dark hairs were still evident in the mirror.  I didn't want to dose myself, so I didn't.  I haven't had T in my system for about 18 hours.  Since 7 May 2013, I haven't spent more than 12 hours without any added T in my body.

Apparently I really, really don't want to shave my upper lip.  I know there are women, plenty of them, with more substantial mustaches than what I've got, and some of them shave, too.  That's not what this is about though.  I don't care if other people see my facial hair and make assessments of my gender that are in any way influenced by that.  I love having sideburns, but I'm somehow deeply afraid of both shaving my upper lip and having a tween's 'stache.  This is one of those internal dysphoria things that's independent of what anyone else thinks, and I'm more comfortable heeding those feelings than those I know are responses to something external, like how people interact with me.

What does this mean?  I don't know if I'm taking a break or stopping or what, although I suspect I'll cave and apply a dose for Saturday and Sunday at midnight tonight.  I'm sorta glad my partner's out of town right now because I don't think talking to him would clarify anything for me.  While I think it's important to leave evidence of my doubts where I can't deny them, I don't think this is something for which I should make myself accountable to others, especially those who are invested in my choice.

How does it feel?  I haven't been really self-conscious about my voice or unable to interact with people socially.  I don't think I can go a week without T, not now anyway, because I'm starting to feel anxious about all the stuff I have to do this week.  I have some public speaking lined up, among other things, and just feel like I need T in order to face the world.  But I'm going to need to get over my fear of shaving my upper lip first.  I don't know who to ask for help.  I really wish I had a big brother right now, preferably a non-binary one.
aidenonymous: (chekhov)

Who's spending eir evening drinking and grading?  This guy, that's who.
why )
aidenonymous: (sulu)
I just got back from my second endocrinologist appointment.  I would have gone to work this afternoon, but I scheduled an optometrist appointment right afterwards because the offices are right next to each other, and now my eyes are too dilated to get anything done.  q-:  Good thing I can touch type and have set my screen to an insanely large font size.  Though my vision insurance is too crappy for me to get new glasses (and I have used zero benefits previously) and I still had to shell out $100 just to get lenses with my new (and still pretty weak) prescription put into an old set of frames, my appointment with the endo went well.

She immediately noticed that my voice had changed!  (-:  Okay, so I guess this is an edge case on someone noticing without being prompted, since she obviously did know I was on T, but still, I spent the whole time trying to suppress the enormous grin from taking over my face (althought that started before she said anything).  She said it sounded like it was cracking, and giggled about me being a 14-year-old boy.  Only 11 years too late!  She asked about other changes, too.  No downstairs growth, no additional body hair, still getting periods, I think that was it?  She laughed at my comparison to being a puppy (hyperactive, lots of energy, also sleeping a lot).  She didn't know anything about ADHD getting worse on T but liked my hypothesis.

I was able to be honest about giving myself half of the half dose, and she was totally cool with it.  I've got a prescription for the 1.25 g metered pump instead of 2.5 g packets, so I'll be producing less waste and getting a more consistent dose.  She asked why I did that, and I didn't have a good answer, just chalked it up to last-minute jitters about changing too fast (which isn't really what was going on, but it was early and I was inarticulate), and she wasn't critical of that at all.  I am actually satisfied with the pace of changes and am unlikely to increase my dose especially soon, but it's good to know I can whenever I want to.

Also, when I got there, the staff used my legal name, etc., but I didn't get worked up about it because I'm used to it.  My doctor however, was angry on my behalf .  Incidentally, she is trans, too, and this was the first time her new name appeared on various forms of paperwork I got.  So, the staff screwed up pronouns for us both, and she had the manager-nurse-person talk to us about it; apparently I'm the first trans person from the school to see the endo at the new site in town (last time I had to travel a couple hours in each direction), and she wants to make sure they're better about it.  We had a nice chat, and I was taken super-seriously, which felt a little funny because I don't always take myself seriously.  Anyway, I was assured it wouldn't happen again, and I felt good about helping them improve service especially for other trans*folk from my school who might be more sensitive (so, probably all of them?).  My doctor said that there would be 3-4 trans patients from my school there each time she was at that office (once per month), so that means there's about a dozen trans people currently using the school insurance.

I asked about a letter for my passport, and she said she'd get right on it but that it would take a while.  She told me that getting a gender marker changed on a driver's license/state ID is actually really easy here, and she could write me a letter for that whenever.  I'm going to make another post rambling about that because I'm not entirely sure what I want out of this and need to figure it out soon due to upcoming international travel plans and a lack of valid ID of any kind.  Anyway, I'll be getting bloodwork some time this week, and this time she'll tell me what my levels are.  When I get the e-mail about that I'm also going to ask about my pre-T levels because I'm curious.  I'll be sure to share that with the internet when I find out.  (-;
aidenonymous: (Default)
Yesterday was the first meeting (over the phone) with the health coach.  I think this is something I'm going to go through with.  He got me to promise to feed myself a sensible dinner and e-mail my doctor (who dismissed my concerns as usual, thanks Kaiser).  I'm willing to spend the money and think I (and my partner) will get a lot out of it, even if the program is very focused on eating and less on exercise.  I wish I had a better sense of whether the health coach would be okay talking about trans-related things, because they're a big part of my mental health, but I don't know if that's a sensitive topic for him, being FTM himself.  I also wish fewer of the meetings would be over the phone, because my ADD makes it very hard to pay attention to someone talking if I can't see them.  I'm going to bring this up before paying for the first month, but I'm not sure what the solution could be.

I also had a minor meltdown about my hormonal situation. 
"What situation?" you might ask. . . )
aidenonymous: (chekhov)
I swear I'm trying to do something to get myself out of this rut.  I was supposed to go to the psychiatrist I wasn't crazy about today, but her receptionist canceled the appointment because she's apparently sick.  They rescheduled me for just before New Year's.  That's a long time from now!  I've been sleeping all day every day for weeks, and I can't seem to stop.  I don't know how much longer I can wait.  Although that's not really related to the shrink, as I wasn't keen on talking to her about any actual problems anyway.  I thought about it last night and couldn't decide whether to try to come out to her or to just try to keep things focused on the stuff I'm being medicated for.  Trust issues much?  Yeah, I'd say I'm working on it, but that'd be a lie. 

Anyway, I haven't really felt like posting lately.  I have things to say, but I don't feel like they're worth writing down.  I can't seem to get any work done, but I don't want to engage in my normal time-wasters either.  I may take an official hiatus when I go back home, even though that's when things will probably get better and I'll have lots to say.  I might just save it up elsewhere and post it all at once when I get back.  And, yeah, first thing when I get back after my trip home, there will be therapy, oh yes, lots of it.  I'm going to liquify myself if I keep trying to hold it all in.
aidenonymous: (freddy mercury)
LJ keeps eating the post I'm trying to make, so I'll try to make it brief, because my posts are deleted as soon as I try to use the goddamn Cut Wizard (or do it manually in HTML).

I haven't posted lately because I'm depressed, but I'm depressed (at least in part) because of vitamin deficiencies.  I won't buy more vitamins because the only ones that have all the stuff I'm deficient in are "women's" vitamins, and I'm stubborn.

I started but quit an exercise program due to being a complete wimp.  Which is to say, I have no endurance and may not know how to do a proper pushup.  But I might try again when I'm less sick.

I went to my first doctor's appointment on my new insurance to get my prescriptions refilled, and it went very poorly.  The doctor was pushy about me not getting a Pap because I'm over 21, despite not having any risk for exposure to HPV.  But the doctor didn't seem concerned that I was ignoring a chronic condition that I've had to have surgery for in the past, and she tried to prescribe me a dangerous medication without mentioning the risks.  At least she didn't blatantly assume I was a lesbian.  And to add insult to injury the insurance company sent me a letter saying that I hadn't picked a primary care doctor yet, which was bullshit because I'd just had an appointment with one.  No, the letter went on to say that all females over 18 enrolled in the plan had to also pick a gynecologist, and if I didn't pick one, they'd pick one for me.  If they do, I will call and complain, but I doubt I can do much more than that.

I also went clothes shopping because it's colder in San Francisco than it is in Los Angeles, and I was consistently read as a non-binary gender.  It was great, except for one salesperson who seemed to think that queer was contagious.

Anyway, I'll be catching up on LJ when I'm not obsessively watching this.

Edited for more LJ code fail.  No clue what's going on here.

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