aidenonymous: (gender)
I survived the half of 2015 after the world ended and had an okay holiday.  Sometimes things are okay, and my goal is to make things okay more of the time.  I still feel really low whenever I run out of stuff to keep me occupied, but I haven't given up working on it.  I guess I have some ideas for resolutions, but they're more for having not killed myself in the past six months than for the arbitrary boundary between revolutions around the Sun.

I want to get back to yoga, ASAP.  I've tried light meditation on the subway a few times and have been hella uncomfortable but still able to keep it together, so I think I'm ready.  There's a queer/trans* class I can go to on Sunday -- I thought about going to general classes now that I've had top surgery, but I'm still self-conscious about my downstairs and am more comfortable playing it safe.  I think I should e-mail the instructor and catch her up on what happened so she doesn't get blindsided if I do fall apart in class.

I want to return to writing regularly.  Since I started grad school three and a half years ago I've taken some long breaks from posting and haven't posted regularly even when I was reading regularly.  I watch a lot of TV when I come home, and I don't like what that says about my brain.  I resolve to write more often, every day if at all possible.  I'm going see how it works to do it before I veg out rather than after, which is when I make my daily voice recording.

Moving on

Oct. 6th, 2015 03:57 pm
aidenonymous: (gender)
I want to make myself keep posting because I'm hoping it'll be good for my mental health.  (My new therapist isn't the sort to tell me what to do outside of therapy, and I'm glad the impulse to write is coming from me.)  I've been a mess for about two months now, and it didn't look like it was going to get any better until approximately two days ago in special-appointment-weekend therapy when I decided to stop blaming myself for what happened.  That is a big deal.

Anyone reading this is probably wondering what it is that happened that I was blaming myself for.  As seems to be a recurring theme in my life, something impossible and terrible happened to me.  And as of two days ago, I decided it wasn't my fault.  If it had been, I would also have the superpower of prescience because some things can't be anticipated because no one has the knowledge that they could ever occur in the first place.  I made progress by accepting that fact, and by not holding myself to an unreasonable standard of mistrusting others regardless of circumstances.  I've still got a bad case of the "why me?"s and persistently wish I could go back and do things differently, but letting go of the tremendous guilt has already made a big difference.

I guess I really just don't want to start at the beginning because of the degree to which it involves admitting I made a big (but possibly unavoidable) mistake, which is a shame because it's usually the best place to start a story if you want it to make sense to anyone else.  I don't know how much I care about getting feedback on this.  So far whenever I've tried it hasn't actually led to any relief of my feelings on the matter.  But a PM from a friend here made me feel a lot better than telling two IRL friends, so maybe it will help to talk with people here.

T Update

Oct. 5th, 2015 03:39 pm
aidenonymous: (gender)
I was off T a grand total of about ten weeks before I saw a super-competent trans activist NP and went back on ultra-low dose gel teamed up with raloxifene, an E blocker, on 21 September.  It's only been a couple weeks, and I haven't noticed any changes or side-effects, not even the mania I got every time I started or re-started T, possibly because my other meds have changed up a bit, too.

Okay, that's not quite true; there was the one day when I forgot my T but remembered the E blocker, and I had what I think might have been a minor hot flash.  I was out in the cold wearing a hoody and windbreaker, and suddenly I had to unzip the windbreaker and wished I could unzip the pullover hoody.  By the time I got home fifteen minutes later I felt fine, but that's my best guess at what happened.  I will definitely try to be more careful about remembering my T now that it's an every day thing again.  Once I get stable with it I'm going to investigate other delivery methods so I can maybe be lazy with memory again.

I'm finding it hard to get back into the routine of being on gel again.  I apply it in the morning but have been showering around dinnertime/when I get home from work so I can sleep without clothes without exposing my partner to it.  My hair has been derp-tastic at work because of this, but I just can't talk myself into showering twice a day.  I've been having really bad dysphoria since I made my last medical transition update post and can't shower unless I turn the lights off and play really loud, complicated/engaging music.  Showering is definitely the low point of my day.

Speaking of medical transition updates, there will be no more top surgery updates.  Dear posterity, I apologize, but I just can't.
aidenonymous: (gender)
I haven't been here in a while because my life kinda fell apart.  I guess I just want to let people know I'm alive in case anyone was wondering, or even just to put it out there for myself because I want it to be less surprising to me.  I'm trying to catch up on everyone's posts from the past two months.  I want to say more but don't even know where to start.


aidenonymous: (Default)

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