aidenonymous: (gender)
I failed to actually post this last week when I should have, but here it is anyway.

boring )

Beep boop

Jun. 2nd, 2015 06:47 pm
aidenonymous: (gender)
And I meant to post this one yesterday but fell asleep before finishing it. . .

things )
aidenonymous: (gender)
I had my second consult with Dr. Fischer today and wanted to post something quick, even though I've got a couple drafts of actual content floating around that I should finish.  The good news is that I'm still borderline for peri, but now a slightly better candidate than I was last year, so we are going ahead with the surgery!  I was scared because my chest is kinda inflamed right now due to the whole cycles not stopping thing.  Dr. Fischer was very confident about it, which helped put me at ease.  She said there was really no benefit to building a bunch of chest muscle now, although I'll still try to get to the gym some time soon.  My pecs are already well-defined enough that she didn't think I'd have any problems with nipple position, which is kind of hard to control with peri.

I got all the pre-op instructions and clarified some details.  After I explained my history of a bleeding disorder, they're not going to force me to stop T but did recommend I discontinue it for the week before surgery.  Normally they'd recommend stopping for two weeks before and at least a week after, and going to a half dose four weeks before (ha, joke's on them, I'm on the lowest metered dose and couldn't halve it if I tried).  They were happy I warned them that my medical clearance would have that on it before they saw a red flag like that.

The bad news is that they billed my insurance for the out-of-network rate even though we went through a ton of trouble to get it counted as in-network because my insurance company is tiny and doesn't have anyone who does FTM top surgery in their network.  So they quoted me three times what they should have for my contribution, which is about $1000 more than I can actually pay right now/  I have until mid-June to pay it, so that's enough time to save up some more if necessary, but I'm still hoping I'll be able to convince my insurance company to cough up the rest given the paperwork we painstakingly completed.  My partner's still out of work but will probably have a job by July, so I'm hoping I'll have secondary insurance to help with whatever's left over.

I hung out with three friends from college afterwards.  Two did not know about my transition, and one of them figured it out and was cool about it.  But those two obviously weren't people I'm especially close to, so the stakes were low.  I have a big meeting with my thesis advisor tomorrow about my qualifying exam and the status of my work (which was going really well until a few weeks ago when things kinda fell apart), so I should go to sleep.  I mostly wanted to squee about how this is actually happening!
aidenonymous: (gender)
I feel guilty that I haven't been posting recently.  I've been tyring to let work take over again but I keep getting sucked into mindless web browsing (mostly Reddit).  I'm feeling really unmotivated even though I'm consciously excited about my work.  I've also been dealing with my best friend outing me and trying to repair the damage to our relationship and my relationship with his parents.  That's really a matter for a separate post.

I also filed my passport application yesterday, although things hardly went as planned.  The postmaster didn't even notice that I'd checked the M box and never asked for my letter.  He also didn't notice all my ID was expired and made sure to comment on how "pretty" I am and address me as "miss" at least once per sentence.  I called the State Dept. afterwards and they said they'd contact me if anything was missing, and I'm worried that it will delay my passport application by enough that I can't go.  The silver lining is that I was approved for funding for the trip.  /-:

The past week or so has been awful for dysphoria.  I've been down on myself about my body -- I'm not gaining weight, but I am gaining body fat due to not getting out and doing anything. The rate of misgendering has skyrocketed, although that could be due to a combination of office drama (and horrible officemates who love reminding me that they think I'm female), the process of changing documentation (and interacting with godawful bureaucrats who don't even notice the sex marker I select because I'm so obviously female to them), and a general loss of confidence (which has led to a feedback loop).

I'm sure it's not helped by the fact that I haven't even had the spoons to bind regularly -- I'm small enough at this point that it can't be the biggest reason why I'm not passing, but it must contribute -- and have been going home early just to get out of having anything more than an undershirt on.  Just having anything on my chest is making me think about it too much to focus on anything else, and as long as I'm alone and not moving, I don't even notice that anything's wrong with it unbound.

On top of everything else, it's been really hot here for the past week, to the point that I'm arriving at work drenched in sweat.  If AndroGel can't be washed off for 5 hours after application in order to be fully absorbed, I'm pretty sure my effective dose has decreased.  This could explain my voice plateauing higher than its lowest so far (although definitely lower than when I started), something that's been bothering me a lot and contributing to the problems of the previous paragraph.

I ran the idea of doubling my dose by my partner, and he was really not happy about it.  He thinks I've had more emotional issues since starting T.  I was afraid he meant anger or mood swings, but he clarified that he meant my ADHD has worsened and I've been practicing more avoidance of responsibilities.  I talked with him about it and he was reasonably understanding, mostly because double my current dose is the same as the dose I was actually prescribed, but he still wanted me to wait until I talked to my therapist.

However, today was especially difficult due to having to interact with my peers in my home department, and the dysphoria was keeping me from getting any work done.  So, starting today, my 51st day on T, I'm taking the full 2.5 g.  Since today is also my 9 year anniversary of dating my partner (yeah, we got together really young, definitely not expecting this relationship to last so long), I wanted to talk with him first and make sure he could handle me doing this now (and he said he'd be okay), so the doses are about 8 hours apart.  Until it cools down enough that my sweat won't immediately wash off a decent fraction of it, I'll be applying two pumps in the morning. 

Shockers

Jun. 14th, 2013 02:38 pm
aidenonymous: (gender)
I talked with my endo on the phone today.  (She's actually going to send me the letter for my passport, this time.)  My free testosterone level a couple weeks ago was 180 ng/dL, quite a bit less than my hopeful guess of 300 ng/dL.  The real shocker was what my pre-T level was, 21 ng/dL.  I mean, I knew it was supposed to be in the female range, but I can't believe that I was at the low end of it.  I thought for sure I had high T levels because of the facial/body hair and low body fat.  Not sure what to make of it.  In any case, based on this information, I would have guessed my on-T level as 271 ng/dL, still higher than what was observed.  I don't know why I'm getting hung up on the number when I'm happy with the rate of changes, probably some macho bullshit about wanting to be in the male range.

Oh, but there's more!  My best friend outed me to his parents.  He told me over text, and I didn't indicate that this was a major problem then because I wasn't sure how to say it.  After letting it keep me up all night, I'm ready to start thinking about productive ways to tell him that was not okay.  He was so good about stuff that I didn't realize he didn't know that was a no-no.  I'm upset that I let down my guard, even if it was for my best friend.  I don't think he understands that other than medical providers, he is among four people I don't sleep with who know about my medical transition.  I consider myself to be close to his parents, and it was my secret to tell them on my own terms, not because he felt like telling them how his week was going, oh, and by the way [girlname] came to visit but now he goes by Ilan and takes hormones. 

Grounded

May. 17th, 2013 11:12 pm
aidenonymous: (sulu)
Okay, that really good feeling is coming back.  I just saw the new Star Trek and am feeling euphoric again.  Yes, it exceeded my expectations and was actually really good (and sufficiently nerdy), but what was really good was hanging out with someone from work that I have not been getting along with lately because I think we moved past our problems and can almost maybe be friends.  And that was enabled by me functioning socially at a level I rarely achieve.

I'm no quicker to find words, and I'm not much better at knowing when to break into conversation.  I don't exactly feel more confident, but something is different.  The word that comes to mind is "grounded," and I've never felt it this strongly before.  The last time I felt anything like this was when I stopped shaving my legs and underarms in 2008; suddenly I was connected to the immediate surroundings of my brain, namely my body.  My limbs became an extension of my head, and then I felt like I could do things with them, and that's when I started doing yoga, because I had posession of a body capable of it for the first time.

Now, it's more than just an immediate connection to my body, and in fact that's not really consciously part of it at all.  I think it might be a connection to my voice, and since hearing is an entirely different sense and making sound is its own sensation, I guess that's why I'm experiencing groundedness in a new way that's manifesting socially.  I'm not really feeling much social anxiety anymore, even though I'm still perceived as female among most people.  I honestly don't know if it's because I no longer care how I'm treated. . . I'll have to think about this more.

My roommate made a reference to me being on T to a housemate and her girlfriend, in my presence, and I didn't mind at all.  I don't know when people from work will notice my voice, since it's changing remarkably fast, but I'm not feeling anxious about it.  I mean, I should have a plan for what to tell them, but I'm not sure I want to do some kind of formal coming out.  I already go by a gender-neutral name, and I've all but disappeared.  I don't think I'll necessarily mind feminine pronouns if, if, if I'm not sure what, but I think I'm approaching it on this path, although I don't know at what distance.  I just feel right in a way I can't recall feeling before, and I'm okay with other people knowing.  How to get that knowledge to them in a way I'm comfortable with is something I really should think about, because I'm pretty sure it's not going to be easy.  But that's a problem for another night. 
aidenonymous: (Default)
I spent today with a good friend of mine from way, way back.  We went to the same synagogue as little kids and somehow remained friends despite not having much in common.  I'm bad at maintaining communication with people, but I consider myself very fortunate to be able to pick things up right where I left off and have my friends not mind it.  Well, since I last saw her, my friend seems to have developed a specialty in ebonics (which is culturally inappropriate for both of us) and kept using "girl" as an exclamation at the beginning and ends of sentences.  I'm not out to her and don't know when or at this point if I'll come out.  She thinks of me as her tomboy friend because that was a complete description when we first met, and I have no reason to think she has any knowledge of gender concepts.  Anyway, getting called "girlfriend" every other sentence was grating on me, so I told her that it was making me uncomfortable after the first couple times.  She mostly stopped after that, and when she said it she caught herself and apologized, then rephrased whatever she had said.  I really do appreciate that she took my complaint seriously and made a genuine effort to stop, but it still hurt anyway and gives me some doubt about the future of our friendship.
aidenonymous: (Default)
I had a little reunion with some high school friends today at my high school, with the help of a favorite teacher of ours.  One of my friends who was a little, babyfaced kid six years ago looks about ten years older than me now.  When another teacher came into the room where we were hanging out, she had to ask who each of us was because, hey, it's been a while.  But when she found out who the tall, dark, and handsome guy was, she blurted out, "Oh my god, you look like a MAN!"  It was hilarious, and everyone cracked up.

People said I didn't really look any different, though I dress better now.  I certainly hope this isn't some reflection of my gender issues, but I really wish people thought I looked different and more masculine after I started seeing myself that way. 

EDIT: On the other hand, it's really reassuring to be told that nothing has changed, because it makes me more certain that I'm not identifying as transmasculine because I got the idea into my head that it's an especially cool thing to do (not that it's got to be uncool or something, but I've heard people talk about being transgender as if it's a fad, just because there's been a recent increase in visibility, especially on the Internet and especially of FTM folks).  It's sort of like the feeling of relief when I come out to people and they say they knew it all along and aren't the least bit surprised.  Damn, I just wish I could have my cake and eat it, too.
aidenonymous: (Default)
No, I'm not really that much of a humbug.  I wanted to write a summary of this year, because it's been a rough one for me.  But, some parts were so bad I couldn't write much about them.  Stupid emotions!  So, here's the short version. . .
lightning-speed summary of 2010 )

Anyway, the start and end of the school year is a much better delineation between years for me, so I can pretend it's not that big of a deal that I can't get my shit together about last year.  More seriously, that's actually the reason why I'm not making many New Year's resolutions, because I've already planned a bunch of big changes for when I have less on my plate during my gap year, after I graduate this spring.  I only have one resolution, and that's to get into gender therapy, because I'm a mess right now and need some outside help.  It doesn't sound like much, but with my insurance and history with therapists, it could take most of the year. . . wish me luck!

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