aidenonymous: (chekhov)

Who's spending eir evening drinking and grading?  This guy, that's who.
why )
aidenonymous: (gender)
It's no secret that I am having roommate problems.  Yesterday I figured out one thing contributing to the problem that is definitely my fault.  T has made me a bit more impulsive.  It's also made me more confident and sure of myself.  I used to be so cautious when I said things that if they were challenged, I would immediately back down and bring it up again later only after agonizing over whether I was actually wrong and determining otherwise.  Now, when I say something, I'm willing to defend it a bit, and this happens before I evaluate whether the criticism has merit.  I don't think I'm wrong less or more often than I was pre-T, but I am slower to admit it when I am.  It's not necessarily a matter of pride as much as there being an extra step in me evaluating the validity of things I say, like I take one round to defend before retreating the next round rather than immediately retreating and ending the conflict in one round.  I have made an ass out of myself a few times already, but now that I know it's going on I'm more self-conscious and will hopefully come off as a bit more graceful about being wrong.

Blur

Jul. 1st, 2013 12:03 am
aidenonymous: (gender)
I rudely walked out of playing games with people today because I couldn't handle them referring to me by my birth name (there are exactly three people in this town who do that, due to meeting them before I decided to go to school here) and making jokes about me not having a dick.  I am in a weird place right now where I'm wallowing in isolation, but taking every action to isolate myself further.  I've been having recurring dreams about my dead friends.  Why are so many people I cared about dead?  I'm sleeping a lot but not really aware of feeling depressed.  I feel a lot of pressure related to my research and a lot of fear of having to teach again, but I can't identify other sources of stress in my life right now.  I'm just more interested in escaping real world problems than facing them head on.  It's like the better I feel about my body, the worse I feel about everything else.  I got drunk two nights ago, for the first time ever, just to see what it was like -- a balance between fun and uncomfortable -- and am glad no one but my partner was there to see it happen.  That was the day after I made the conscious decision to indulge irresponsibility and flake out on a commitment without reason or warning; no one called me out on not cleaning the kitchen on my assigned night at the house, but I apologized today nonetheless.

EDIT: I can't honestly claim I was drunk, just drunker than I've ever been before.
aidenonymous: (freddie mercury)
Hey, everybody!  I'm back after a long hiatus and owe all the friends I've made here over the past two and a half years a big apology for disappearing and missing out on your lives.  Over the summer, I lived in a house with very flaky Internet service and got out of the habit of doing any personal websurfing.  As it turns out, that's a hard habit to pick up again, especially when in a new place and trying to integrate into a "real life" community.  Though I feel a lot more secure in my place as a member of the local community, I also have a lot more work to do, all the time, due to being a first-year grad student.  I literally went two months without checking my personal e-mail account! 

After a particularly rough ~100 hour workweek last week, I sort of burnt out and made time to catch up, simply because I had no way of getting my work done in such a state, and I expect I won't have time to catch up with everyone here for about six weeks when my winter holiday begins.  Probably by next weekend I'll post a few mini-updates I wrote off-line over the past few months just to get things off my chest.  In the meantime, I can best be reached by e-mail at ilan.the.first@gmail.com (and if you got this far, please feel free to drop me a line).  Also, I want to be the sort of "grown up" who sends people holiday cards (mostly because a certain friend's inspire me every year), so feel free to let me know if you'd be interested in getting one (with no obligation to send anything back in return).  I hope everyone is well and wish you all a Happy Halloween!

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