aidenonymous: (gender)
I failed to actually post this last week when I should have, but here it is anyway.

boring )
aidenonymous: (Default)
I've been thinking about making this post for about a month, since cutting my hair short, and to a cut I liked, but I didn't get off my ass to do it until now, after my first trim turned into my first bad haircut.  I'm sure I'll recover as it grows out, but I have to deal with a couple weeks of hating the reflection of my own goddamn face and doubting the decision to cut off three feet of hair all in one go.

Anyway, I had a short haircut that I loved for the last month, for the first time since I was a kid.  I started being read as male pretty much all the time and felt enormously confident compared to when I had long hair.  I started feeling very strongly like my presentation was a good representation of who I actually am and something I was happy to see in the mirror.

As I adjusted to being seen the way I want to be seen, I started feeling like my name, Ilan, may not be the best fit.  I still hate being called my old, feminine name, but I'm leaning more and more toward using a gender-neutral name.  Basically, now that I feel more secure in my masculinity, I don't feel like I need a 100% male name anymore, the way I did when I had long hair and was constantly misgendered.

I'm transmasculine, but I'm also genderqueer, and I feel like I've let myself forget the significance of my non-binary identity in pursuit of passing, with the short hair, the male name, and masculine clothes.  I don't think I'm going to change the way I've dressed my whole life, and I like my hair short for reasons other than gender, but this isn't the first time I've considered going by a different non-birth name.

As I've said before, Ilan would have been my middle name had I been born with "boy parts," and my first name would have been a common, gender-neutral name.  My parents frequently told me this story as a child, and when I came out to my mom, she apologized for not giving me that name in the first place.  I guess I'm making this post to say that I agree with her now and am seriously thinking about going by that other name.

I'm about to move to a new place where I don't know anyone, so I have a good opportunity to try it out.  Awkwardly, I know there are several other people (all male, I believe) with that gender-neutral first name of mine who I'll be working with on a daily basis.  However, I'm mostly worried that I'll want to go back to being called Ilan, since I've never had a common name before, and then I'll have to navigate asking people to call me a different name, something I've almost entirely avoided in transition.
aidenonymous: (Default)
Gaah!  Reading about this made me feel a little ill just now.  I actually love the idea of this event, giving cis folks (and maybe binary-identified trans people) an idea of what it's like to be transgender, and especially non-binary identified.  But when I read the description, it reminded me of my own cowardice and the toll taken by "the path of least resistance."  I would not be able to take this challenge right now!

rambling about bathrooms, locker rooms, and pajamas )
aidenonymous: (chekhov)
I just read something that really resonated with me.  I wanted to post some excerpts that I strongly identified with, just to record them somewhere.

emphasis mine )

my response )

*sigh*  That ended up being more depressing than I'd hoped.  Anyway, back to proofreading my personal statements.  Happy New Year to anyone who's reading this!
aidenonymous: (Default)
Comment with "Come at me, bro"
• I'll respond by asking you five questions so I can get to know you better.
• Update your journal with the answers to the questions.
• Include this explanation in the post and offer to ask other people questions.

Questions from [ profile] alkahestapeiron 

1. How're things, overall?
Things are good, I think.  I just moved to the San Francisco Bay Area and haven't been around much due to not having Internet set up until recently.  It's the first time I've ever not had schoolwork hanging over my head, and I'm just getting used to that feeling.  I'm unusually optimistic about the future.  (-:

2. What does falling in love mean to you?
I wish I could remember!  I've been in the same monogamous relationship for seven years and don't even know anymore, cliche as that sounds.  I know the comfort of being in love, to the point that I forget to appreciate it, but falling into it, in this case, was a gradual process by which I slowly noticed the relationship changing character. 

3. What's your favourite food EVER?
Sushi, probably.  I like simple foods with extremely limited processing, and it doesn't get much less processed than raw, plus fish has been one of my most reliable sources of protein, getting me through seven otherwise vegetarian years during which I ended up suffering from malnutrition. 

4. How about favourite drink?
Lemonade!  Or maybe limeade. . . I have a serious love affair with sour things.  I'm told it's a symptom of a vitamin deficiency.  Sometimes, I just drink lemon or lime juice, or I eat the fruit as is.  Dentists have always said it's my one vice.

5. If you could do anything (ANYTHING) with your hair, what would you do?
If I could do anything, really anything, I'd buzz it all off (all 3 feet of it) and start over.  I wanted to do it for graduation, but my mom was around, and then I lost momentum and had time to get self-conscious about it.  I should really just get it over with.
aidenonymous: (Default)
My mother just e-mailed me about something impressively stupid.  Apparently she got something in the mail about one of my school's programs, a program in which I participated, and my father was convinced that one of the photos of students engaged in the program was me.  The kid they thought was me was wearing makeup and had shaped eyebrows, not to mention she was in the middle of an activity that I didn't do.  My parents have never, ever known me to use makeup or pluck my eyebrows, because I never, ever have, so I'm not sure where this impression came from.  Not all people with soft faces and long, brown hair are the same!  WTF!?  So much for my mom "getting it" when it comes to my gender. . .  It's hard not to take it personally that I could be mistaken for a girl, and a girly girl at that.  DX
aidenonymous: (Default)
No, I'm not really that much of a humbug.  I wanted to write a summary of this year, because it's been a rough one for me.  But, some parts were so bad I couldn't write much about them.  Stupid emotions!  So, here's the short version. . .
lightning-speed summary of 2010 )

Anyway, the start and end of the school year is a much better delineation between years for me, so I can pretend it's not that big of a deal that I can't get my shit together about last year.  More seriously, that's actually the reason why I'm not making many New Year's resolutions, because I've already planned a bunch of big changes for when I have less on my plate during my gap year, after I graduate this spring.  I only have one resolution, and that's to get into gender therapy, because I'm a mess right now and need some outside help.  It doesn't sound like much, but with my insurance and history with therapists, it could take most of the year. . . wish me luck!
aidenonymous: (Default)
I think I accidentally came out as masculine-leaning genderqueer to my mom yesterday, and it went really well!

Some background: I'm home for a couple days for jury duty and am staying at my mom's place.  We got called for jury duty at the same time, so we spent all of yesterday and will be spending all of today together.  My folks have told me since forever that they didn't know my sex until I was born because they wanted a surprise (and boy did they get one).  They picked out a gender-neutral, common name for if I'd had boy parts and a feminine, uncommon name for if I had girl parts.  I've really appreciated my unusual name, but I hate how it's immediately recognized as female, and I always wondered why I didn't get the gender-neutral name that would have been a better fit.

And yesterday during our shared lunch break, I found out why.  My mom didn't know that the "boy" name could have been a "girl" name, too.  English is her primary language, but apparently at the time it wasn't used much for females even though it is now.  Come to think of it, all the girls I know with that name are my age or younger, or from Europe, so it's possible the trend hadn't reached her yet.  Anyway, now I know why.

The topic came up because she said she should have given me the "boy" name.  She's apparently picked up on the fact that I haven't worn girl clothes since I stopped playing dress-up games, and she might have noticed a couple times that morning in the court buildings when people (in bathrooms, checking IDs) were puzzled by my apparent gender (or lack thereof). 

My response was to tell her that I would have appreciated the name, but I won't hold it against her.  However, I'm now thinking that if I change my name, I'll use Ilan day-to-day, but the name she would have given me will be a middle name.  It would nearly allow me to preserve my initials anyway. 


aidenonymous: (Default)

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