Correction

Apr. 9th, 2014 04:49 pm
aidenonymous: (gender)
Aah, another entry that I meant to post before I fell asleep last night!

cut for boring )

Bizarre

Apr. 6th, 2014 11:40 pm
aidenonymous: (gender)
I think I just got hit on by a guy as a guy for the first time.  I don't really have any hard evidence, but I'm pretty sure that's what happened.  I didn't like it any more than being hit on as a girl to be honest, but maybe it was the context.

In other news, I've been applying my T on an every other day basis since Thursday.  My voice was really ridiculously low on Thursday night, so I didn't apply it Friday.  I did apply it Saturday, and both Saturday and Sunday my voice felt really strangely deep.  Have I said "really" enough yet?  Anyway, it's not that I don't like where it is, but I'm kind of concerned about it changing so much at the inauspicious time of ten-ish months on T after previously seeming to settle down.  I know there's no "right time" to come out, but it will be a significantly better time once the semester ends.  I've already reached the point at which I can no longer pass for female at work, and my voice going into overdrive is not going to make the next month any easier.  I am not, however, considering taking a break again.  That was no fun at all.  So, ummm, awkwardness?
aidenonymous: (genderqueer)
I kinda fell off the internet again.  I was really burnt out and barely made it to Spring Break.  I restarted T the week before break because I was a nervous wreck.  By then, I'd been having negative effects from stopping for about two weeks, and I couldn't cope anymore.  I'm going to make a T update kind of post about the whole thing, but the short version was that it was not pretty.  I basically got to the same point I was at when I started, unable to function without it.  I'll admit though, the first ten days or so were a valuable and hardly excruciating experience (that I have no plans to repeat any time soon).

I slept through most of the break and basically got nothing done but felt somewhat refreshed at the end.  I'm pretty much abandoning the project I've been working on for the past six months, which puts me at risk of not being able to take my comprehensive exam at the end of the summer, but I don't feel like I have much of an option.  Right before break, I made an appointment to talk to the head of the grad program and explained the problem.  It's not that I don't have time for research.  It's that I have only a few hours each day of peak mental productivity, and I can hardly get anything done like that, at lest not on something so abstract.  At our meeting, he told me that my advisor had just contacted him asking if I was alright, and he'd told her to go easy on me.  It's not what I want, but it may be what I need.  I don't know if this is awkward or expected given how I came out to him, but we have not said a word about it IRL and barely a reference has been made in e-mails.  Related: I need to write a coming out letter to my advisor and have been putting it off for almost two weeks. . . another thing I need but don't want, apparently.

words about my chest )

Anyway, I don't want to go into this unless I'm confident I won't regret it, even if my regular doctor, endo, and therapist are falling over themselves to write me a letter.  I don't know what I'm going to say to the surgeon when we meet, but I have six weeks to figure it out.  Maybe the surgeon will turn out to be a really good salesperson and totally win me over.  In the meantime, I should do that work I was doing before it occurred to me that I'd think better after getting this out.  I'm hoping I'll have enough spoons to catch up with folks here a bit this weekend.
aidenonymous: (genderqueer)
Last night, I went recreational grocery shopping with my partner during the one day he was home between two long business trips.  It was about half past midnight, and the only other shoppers were these two older dudes (maybe forties?) who fit the stereotype of flaming gay men to a T.  The one carrying all the groceries with a limp wrist wore a neon orange, skin tight T shirt.  The other had an unusual haircut (like a Chelsea, only less hair everywhere), rainbow plastic rimmed glasses, and some really interesting ear jewelery.  Given that the one with the flashy accessories must be used to it, what was strange about this encounter was not that I stared at them. It was that they stared at me.

[posted without further comment]
aidenonymous: (gender)
It feels really good to be writing this now.  I've had a rough few days.  I've spent so much time on the phone sorting out things for my upcoming travel that I haven't gotten anything done for work.  My passport was finally mailed out today and should arrive tomorrow, and it will have a male sex marker.  And it will expire in two years, giving me that much time to get my name changed and update it without any additional fees, and I'll have at least some ID to use for everyday things in the meantime.  When the State Department called me to give me the update, they referred to me as "Mr. LastName," something that's never happened to me before and hadn't come up in previous conversations with them or anyone else in this process.  I was happy but unsure exactly what I was feeling at first.  Even though I write about it a fair bit, it still took some thought to determine it was recognition.

I've been considering whether this will be my last T-versary.  My plan was to stay on T through the summer and re-evaluate things before classes resume in the fall.  I'm not entirely sure what I was looking for, but I wanted to check in with my mental and physical health, my partner, and to what degree it was needed, because I delayed starting when it was only wanted.  It took a couple months before the novelty wore off enough that I could focus on other things again, my health has if anything improved aside from the acne, and my partner's had no trouble going with the flow.  The last thing I wanted to check is a bit more complicated.  I'm so pleased with the changes so far.  The biggest thing is obviously that I hear my own voice when I speak (though I still hope it keeps deepening, ha!), but there's more to it than that.  In my daily voice recordings, I've described it as stability and steadiness -- it just feels right.  For the most part, I don't think about changing my dose anymore, and at this point, I can't imagine discontinuing T in a month -- that would definitely be more of a disturbance than quitting when I'd vaguely planned to (derp, wrote the reverse of what I meant) continuing even when my ambient stress level increases.  I don't care whether that means it's needed or wanted because I've finally internalized that I am free from that condition.
aidenonymous: (Default)
I've been thinking about making this post for about a month, since cutting my hair short, and to a cut I liked, but I didn't get off my ass to do it until now, after my first trim turned into my first bad haircut.  I'm sure I'll recover as it grows out, but I have to deal with a couple weeks of hating the reflection of my own goddamn face and doubting the decision to cut off three feet of hair all in one go.

Anyway, I had a short haircut that I loved for the last month, for the first time since I was a kid.  I started being read as male pretty much all the time and felt enormously confident compared to when I had long hair.  I started feeling very strongly like my presentation was a good representation of who I actually am and something I was happy to see in the mirror.

As I adjusted to being seen the way I want to be seen, I started feeling like my name, Ilan, may not be the best fit.  I still hate being called my old, feminine name, but I'm leaning more and more toward using a gender-neutral name.  Basically, now that I feel more secure in my masculinity, I don't feel like I need a 100% male name anymore, the way I did when I had long hair and was constantly misgendered.

I'm transmasculine, but I'm also genderqueer, and I feel like I've let myself forget the significance of my non-binary identity in pursuit of passing, with the short hair, the male name, and masculine clothes.  I don't think I'm going to change the way I've dressed my whole life, and I like my hair short for reasons other than gender, but this isn't the first time I've considered going by a different non-birth name.

As I've said before, Ilan would have been my middle name had I been born with "boy parts," and my first name would have been a common, gender-neutral name.  My parents frequently told me this story as a child, and when I came out to my mom, she apologized for not giving me that name in the first place.  I guess I'm making this post to say that I agree with her now and am seriously thinking about going by that other name.

I'm about to move to a new place where I don't know anyone, so I have a good opportunity to try it out.  Awkwardly, I know there are several other people (all male, I believe) with that gender-neutral first name of mine who I'll be working with on a daily basis.  However, I'm mostly worried that I'll want to go back to being called Ilan, since I've never had a common name before, and then I'll have to navigate asking people to call me a different name, something I've almost entirely avoided in transition.
aidenonymous: (Default)
I had a little reunion with some high school friends today at my high school, with the help of a favorite teacher of ours.  One of my friends who was a little, babyfaced kid six years ago looks about ten years older than me now.  When another teacher came into the room where we were hanging out, she had to ask who each of us was because, hey, it's been a while.  But when she found out who the tall, dark, and handsome guy was, she blurted out, "Oh my god, you look like a MAN!"  It was hilarious, and everyone cracked up.

People said I didn't really look any different, though I dress better now.  I certainly hope this isn't some reflection of my gender issues, but I really wish people thought I looked different and more masculine after I started seeing myself that way. 

EDIT: On the other hand, it's really reassuring to be told that nothing has changed, because it makes me more certain that I'm not identifying as transmasculine because I got the idea into my head that it's an especially cool thing to do (not that it's got to be uncool or something, but I've heard people talk about being transgender as if it's a fad, just because there's been a recent increase in visibility, especially on the Internet and especially of FTM folks).  It's sort of like the feeling of relief when I come out to people and they say they knew it all along and aren't the least bit surprised.  Damn, I just wish I could have my cake and eat it, too.
aidenonymous: (freddy mercury)
LJ keeps eating the post I'm trying to make, so I'll try to make it brief, because my posts are deleted as soon as I try to use the goddamn Cut Wizard (or do it manually in HTML).

I haven't posted lately because I'm depressed, but I'm depressed (at least in part) because of vitamin deficiencies.  I won't buy more vitamins because the only ones that have all the stuff I'm deficient in are "women's" vitamins, and I'm stubborn.

I started but quit an exercise program due to being a complete wimp.  Which is to say, I have no endurance and may not know how to do a proper pushup.  But I might try again when I'm less sick.

I went to my first doctor's appointment on my new insurance to get my prescriptions refilled, and it went very poorly.  The doctor was pushy about me not getting a Pap because I'm over 21, despite not having any risk for exposure to HPV.  But the doctor didn't seem concerned that I was ignoring a chronic condition that I've had to have surgery for in the past, and she tried to prescribe me a dangerous medication without mentioning the risks.  At least she didn't blatantly assume I was a lesbian.  And to add insult to injury the insurance company sent me a letter saying that I hadn't picked a primary care doctor yet, which was bullshit because I'd just had an appointment with one.  No, the letter went on to say that all females over 18 enrolled in the plan had to also pick a gynecologist, and if I didn't pick one, they'd pick one for me.  If they do, I will call and complain, but I doubt I can do much more than that.

I also went clothes shopping because it's colder in San Francisco than it is in Los Angeles, and I was consistently read as a non-binary gender.  It was great, except for one salesperson who seemed to think that queer was contagious.

Anyway, I'll be catching up on LJ when I'm not obsessively watching this.

Edited for more LJ code fail.  No clue what's going on here.
aidenonymous: (Default)
My mother just e-mailed me about something impressively stupid.  Apparently she got something in the mail about one of my school's programs, a program in which I participated, and my father was convinced that one of the photos of students engaged in the program was me.  The kid they thought was me was wearing makeup and had shaped eyebrows, not to mention she was in the middle of an activity that I didn't do.  My parents have never, ever known me to use makeup or pluck my eyebrows, because I never, ever have, so I'm not sure where this impression came from.  Not all people with soft faces and long, brown hair are the same!  WTF!?  So much for my mom "getting it" when it comes to my gender. . .  It's hard not to take it personally that I could be mistaken for a girl, and a girly girl at that.  DX

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