aidenonymous: (gender)
I went to change my name with the Registrar today only to discover I'd misunderstood the instructions on the school's form and needed two forms of ID with my new name, not a photo ID plus something with my new name.  They suggested I head over to the Social Security office down the road and change it there, and then they could update the system.  So I did it, and it was super-easy, and I'm glad I'll have a Social Security card with my name on it.  (Also, my old one was issued when I was in third grade, and I dotted my i's with paw prints. . .)  That was easier than I thought, and I'm glad I did that.  Without me saying anything, they also updated my sex, and I'm not sure how I feel about that.

I really, really wanted to change my name with the school  as soon as possible because that's what controls what's on my health insurance card.  I hate it when doctors insist on referring to me with a feminine name because it lets everyone know what sex I'm "supposed to be," but that's not really a life-or-death matter.  I ended up in the ER last year and was assaulted by a nurse when she discovered my legal name by way of my insurance card, and the fact that I live in an extremely conservative area with only one nearby hospital means I will end up there again if there's an emergency, and that could be a life-or-death matter.  I wanted to get my name changed in the system tied to my health insurance today because I can finally update systems my department will access now that I'm totally out.

At the same time, I never planned to change my sex with Social Security.  They don't send no-match letters anymore, and I don't actually care what sex they have on file since it's not printed on the card anyhow.  I need photo ID to have a male sex marker so I don't have an ordeal every time I need to show it, but I don't want to change all my documentation to one sex or the other.  Since I was going to have a passport and state ID/driver's license (if I ever get around to learning to drive) with a male sex marker and will never be able to change the sex on my birth certificate (thanks, NYC!), I also planned to never change my sex with Social Security.  (Plus there's that whole Selective Service bullshit I'd rather avoid.)

I wasn't really thinking about any of that today and just let it happen.  The office closed at 3PM, so I won't be able to inquire in person until tomorrow at the earliest.  I don't know if I should call some central office and ask or what.  I feel really weird for caring about this at all.  It would be a lot simpler to just let it slide. . .
aidenonymous: (gender)
It feels really good to be writing this now.  I've had a rough few days.  I've spent so much time on the phone sorting out things for my upcoming travel that I haven't gotten anything done for work.  My passport was finally mailed out today and should arrive tomorrow, and it will have a male sex marker.  And it will expire in two years, giving me that much time to get my name changed and update it without any additional fees, and I'll have at least some ID to use for everyday things in the meantime.  When the State Department called me to give me the update, they referred to me as "Mr. LastName," something that's never happened to me before and hadn't come up in previous conversations with them or anyone else in this process.  I was happy but unsure exactly what I was feeling at first.  Even though I write about it a fair bit, it still took some thought to determine it was recognition.

I've been considering whether this will be my last T-versary.  My plan was to stay on T through the summer and re-evaluate things before classes resume in the fall.  I'm not entirely sure what I was looking for, but I wanted to check in with my mental and physical health, my partner, and to what degree it was needed, because I delayed starting when it was only wanted.  It took a couple months before the novelty wore off enough that I could focus on other things again, my health has if anything improved aside from the acne, and my partner's had no trouble going with the flow.  The last thing I wanted to check is a bit more complicated.  I'm so pleased with the changes so far.  The biggest thing is obviously that I hear my own voice when I speak (though I still hope it keeps deepening, ha!), but there's more to it than that.  In my daily voice recordings, I've described it as stability and steadiness -- it just feels right.  For the most part, I don't think about changing my dose anymore, and at this point, I can't imagine discontinuing T in a month -- that would definitely be more of a disturbance than quitting when I'd vaguely planned to (derp, wrote the reverse of what I meant) continuing even when my ambient stress level increases.  I don't care whether that means it's needed or wanted because I've finally internalized that I am free from that condition.

Blur

Jul. 1st, 2013 12:03 am
aidenonymous: (gender)
I rudely walked out of playing games with people today because I couldn't handle them referring to me by my birth name (there are exactly three people in this town who do that, due to meeting them before I decided to go to school here) and making jokes about me not having a dick.  I am in a weird place right now where I'm wallowing in isolation, but taking every action to isolate myself further.  I've been having recurring dreams about my dead friends.  Why are so many people I cared about dead?  I'm sleeping a lot but not really aware of feeling depressed.  I feel a lot of pressure related to my research and a lot of fear of having to teach again, but I can't identify other sources of stress in my life right now.  I'm just more interested in escaping real world problems than facing them head on.  It's like the better I feel about my body, the worse I feel about everything else.  I got drunk two nights ago, for the first time ever, just to see what it was like -- a balance between fun and uncomfortable -- and am glad no one but my partner was there to see it happen.  That was the day after I made the conscious decision to indulge irresponsibility and flake out on a commitment without reason or warning; no one called me out on not cleaning the kitchen on my assigned night at the house, but I apologized today nonetheless.

EDIT: I can't honestly claim I was drunk, just drunker than I've ever been before.
aidenonymous: (freddie mercury)
Hey, everybody!  I'm back after a long hiatus and owe all the friends I've made here over the past two and a half years a big apology for disappearing and missing out on your lives.  Over the summer, I lived in a house with very flaky Internet service and got out of the habit of doing any personal websurfing.  As it turns out, that's a hard habit to pick up again, especially when in a new place and trying to integrate into a "real life" community.  Though I feel a lot more secure in my place as a member of the local community, I also have a lot more work to do, all the time, due to being a first-year grad student.  I literally went two months without checking my personal e-mail account! 

After a particularly rough ~100 hour workweek last week, I sort of burnt out and made time to catch up, simply because I had no way of getting my work done in such a state, and I expect I won't have time to catch up with everyone here for about six weeks when my winter holiday begins.  Probably by next weekend I'll post a few mini-updates I wrote off-line over the past few months just to get things off my chest.  In the meantime, I can best be reached by e-mail at ilan.the.first@gmail.com (and if you got this far, please feel free to drop me a line).  Also, I want to be the sort of "grown up" who sends people holiday cards (mostly because a certain friend's inspire me every year), so feel free to let me know if you'd be interested in getting one (with no obligation to send anything back in return).  I hope everyone is well and wish you all a Happy Halloween!
aidenonymous: (Default)
Woah, okay, I am owing this thing a huge update.  I've been getting my fair share of good news from grad schools, and I got a second job in addition to the one I just started last week.  I've also started seeing a health coach, mostly because it's half the price of therapy, and I found free therapy instead, so I'm still spending half what I'd saved up for mental health stuff anyway and hopefully I'll be eating better and continuing to exercise sufficiently.  Right, and then today I just heard back from the free therapy, which, did I mention, is free, and they apologized for technical issues that made it take so long to get back to me.  So, I've got lots of stuff to do all the time which is quite different from my usual problem of having nothing to do but wallow in self pity and give advice on tumblr.  Anyway, I will probably make a more detailed, friends-locked elaboration on this update some time soon.
aidenonymous: (sulu)
I haven't been on-line much since I went to New York, first because I was traveling and had intermittent Internet access, and then because I was focusing on my grad. school applications.  But I got a lot done yesterday and today and can take a few minutes to update and read my friends page (and post a few things that got lost in transit using the nifty "Date Out of Order" option).  Anyway, I was really in the dumps before my trip back east, and I've had a lot of energy basically since I got there, minus a few days when I had a cold since getting back.  I'm surprised that that positive energy carried over upon my return to the Bay Area, but I actually want to do things and advance my life now.  Crazy, huh?

I'll be buying a gym membership (rock climbing and yoga) later today and am so psyched about it, in part because my health insurance will cover half the cost.  And I've scheduled counseling at the local LGBTQ space for the New Year, and I'll be going to a local FTM support group to boot.  Plus I'm finally on the last attempt to cure my acne before I can try Accutane and maybe stop worrying that T will make my skin even worse than it already is.  Oh, and I found out that my current insurance covers voluntary sterilization, which I may try to wrangle into a hysto.  Progress, fuck yeah!
aidenonymous: (Default)
I had a little reunion with some high school friends today at my high school, with the help of a favorite teacher of ours.  One of my friends who was a little, babyfaced kid six years ago looks about ten years older than me now.  When another teacher came into the room where we were hanging out, she had to ask who each of us was because, hey, it's been a while.  But when she found out who the tall, dark, and handsome guy was, she blurted out, "Oh my god, you look like a MAN!"  It was hilarious, and everyone cracked up.

People said I didn't really look any different, though I dress better now.  I certainly hope this isn't some reflection of my gender issues, but I really wish people thought I looked different and more masculine after I started seeing myself that way. 

EDIT: On the other hand, it's really reassuring to be told that nothing has changed, because it makes me more certain that I'm not identifying as transmasculine because I got the idea into my head that it's an especially cool thing to do (not that it's got to be uncool or something, but I've heard people talk about being transgender as if it's a fad, just because there's been a recent increase in visibility, especially on the Internet and especially of FTM folks).  It's sort of like the feeling of relief when I come out to people and they say they knew it all along and aren't the least bit surprised.  Damn, I just wish I could have my cake and eat it, too.
aidenonymous: (Default)
because I'm applying to grad schools and checking the "Female" box whenever it's required and even considering checking it when I'm given the option to choose something else (so far, only "Unknown").  I'm a fucking coward.  Oh, and the best part is that in my very-male-dominated field, lying in this way will probably improve my chances of admission, so I can feel guilty about not deserving any acceptances I may receive later on.
aidenonymous: (Default)
That line's been floating around my head for a while now.  I think it's got a nice ring to it.  From what I can tell, it didn't come from anywhere, and I'll be a little extra satisfied if I really did originate it.

I haven't been around lately due to being on a roll with researching grad programs and getting registered for the GRE.  I'm gonna try to catch up today though and post a real update after the weekend.  Peace!
aidenonymous: (Default)
Comment with "Come at me, bro"
• I'll respond by asking you five questions so I can get to know you better.
• Update your journal with the answers to the questions.
• Include this explanation in the post and offer to ask other people questions.

Questions from [livejournal.com profile] alkahestapeiron 

1. How're things, overall?
Things are good, I think.  I just moved to the San Francisco Bay Area and haven't been around much due to not having Internet set up until recently.  It's the first time I've ever not had schoolwork hanging over my head, and I'm just getting used to that feeling.  I'm unusually optimistic about the future.  (-:

2. What does falling in love mean to you?
I wish I could remember!  I've been in the same monogamous relationship for seven years and don't even know anymore, cliche as that sounds.  I know the comfort of being in love, to the point that I forget to appreciate it, but falling into it, in this case, was a gradual process by which I slowly noticed the relationship changing character. 

3. What's your favourite food EVER?
Sushi, probably.  I like simple foods with extremely limited processing, and it doesn't get much less processed than raw, plus fish has been one of my most reliable sources of protein, getting me through seven otherwise vegetarian years during which I ended up suffering from malnutrition. 

4. How about favourite drink?
Lemonade!  Or maybe limeade. . . I have a serious love affair with sour things.  I'm told it's a symptom of a vitamin deficiency.  Sometimes, I just drink lemon or lime juice, or I eat the fruit as is.  Dentists have always said it's my one vice.

5. If you could do anything (ANYTHING) with your hair, what would you do?
If I could do anything, really anything, I'd buzz it all off (all 3 feet of it) and start over.  I wanted to do it for graduation, but my mom was around, and then I lost momentum and had time to get self-conscious about it.  I should really just get it over with.
aidenonymous: (hedwig)
I hate ceremonies (along with some fucked up things about graduation at my school in particular), so I'd planned on not going to commencement at all.  But, I do like symbols, as long as they hold meaning to me.  I've been saying for a while now that I want to shave my head, or at least cut my hair short, for graduation, since I haven't gotten a hair cut in about ten years, and all this hair feels like a tie to the past.  I've gone back and forth on it because I like having long hair, but I know it will grow back, and I think I really need to feel like next year is a fresh start.  Well, the big day is coming up, and I'm surprised at how I'm not freaking out about it.  Five years ago, the thought of a haircut would have given me an anxiety attack.  Funny how things change.
aidenonymous: (Default)
Oy, I haven't been around much due to injuring my hand (not bad, just hard to type for a couple weeks) and then having a lot of schoolwork.  But I wanted to share pictures of some cool stuff I bought during Spring Break.

Coloring books are way cheaper than road trips. )

I got them from Genderific Coloring Books Inc. in case anyone is interested.  (-:

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aidenonymous: (Default)
aidenonymous

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