Blur

Jul. 1st, 2013 12:03 am
aidenonymous: (gender)
I rudely walked out of playing games with people today because I couldn't handle them referring to me by my birth name (there are exactly three people in this town who do that, due to meeting them before I decided to go to school here) and making jokes about me not having a dick.  I am in a weird place right now where I'm wallowing in isolation, but taking every action to isolate myself further.  I've been having recurring dreams about my dead friends.  Why are so many people I cared about dead?  I'm sleeping a lot but not really aware of feeling depressed.  I feel a lot of pressure related to my research and a lot of fear of having to teach again, but I can't identify other sources of stress in my life right now.  I'm just more interested in escaping real world problems than facing them head on.  It's like the better I feel about my body, the worse I feel about everything else.  I got drunk two nights ago, for the first time ever, just to see what it was like -- a balance between fun and uncomfortable -- and am glad no one but my partner was there to see it happen.  That was the day after I made the conscious decision to indulge irresponsibility and flake out on a commitment without reason or warning; no one called me out on not cleaning the kitchen on my assigned night at the house, but I apologized today nonetheless.

EDIT: I can't honestly claim I was drunk, just drunker than I've ever been before.

Shockers

Jun. 14th, 2013 02:38 pm
aidenonymous: (gender)
I talked with my endo on the phone today.  (She's actually going to send me the letter for my passport, this time.)  My free testosterone level a couple weeks ago was 180 ng/dL, quite a bit less than my hopeful guess of 300 ng/dL.  The real shocker was what my pre-T level was, 21 ng/dL.  I mean, I knew it was supposed to be in the female range, but I can't believe that I was at the low end of it.  I thought for sure I had high T levels because of the facial/body hair and low body fat.  Not sure what to make of it.  In any case, based on this information, I would have guessed my on-T level as 271 ng/dL, still higher than what was observed.  I don't know why I'm getting hung up on the number when I'm happy with the rate of changes, probably some macho bullshit about wanting to be in the male range.

Oh, but there's more!  My best friend outed me to his parents.  He told me over text, and I didn't indicate that this was a major problem then because I wasn't sure how to say it.  After letting it keep me up all night, I'm ready to start thinking about productive ways to tell him that was not okay.  He was so good about stuff that I didn't realize he didn't know that was a no-no.  I'm upset that I let down my guard, even if it was for my best friend.  I don't think he understands that other than medical providers, he is among four people I don't sleep with who know about my medical transition.  I consider myself to be close to his parents, and it was my secret to tell them on my own terms, not because he felt like telling them how his week was going, oh, and by the way [girlname] came to visit but now he goes by Ilan and takes hormones. 
aidenonymous: (Default)
It's been five days since I got here, and I have to say, I'm a lot happier than I expected to be.  I love love love the house and the people in it.  I had really high expectations, and they've pretty much all been met.  The other folks like me, too, and they're working on finding a way for me to continue living here next year. . . but I'm still not sure what's going on with my partner, whether he'll want to move here at all if he can't live in an apartment with me.

I know the town is different in the summer when no one's around, compared to during the year when it's swarming with drunk undergrads, but I've found a lot to like.  There are lots of locally-owned coffee shops, restaurants, and grocery stores, and the downtown actually feels like a real downtown in terms of density.

Work is another story.  After dealing with a bunch of administrative bullshit (which I believe is normal for a school this size, no hard feelings, really), I'm finally starting to run into problems with my name on departmental stuff.  I'm okay with the government, doctors, and banks knowing me by my legal name, and I thought I'd be okay with my department being in that category, too, but I was wrong; in essence, this place is too small for me to isolate work from everything else, and I don't want to have to cave and give up being myself the rest of the time.

There are still a couple social issues I need to work out at home, namely that everyone seems to have made up their mind to use feminine pronouns for me, and I'm going to have to make some kind of announcement to get them to stop.  Aah, I knew there were drawbacks to not having an unambiguously male name!  Anyway, the name itself is somewhat of an issue because two people who work in my department also hang out at the house, and I've been failing at having an actual conversation with them for a couple days.  What I want to do is ask them to call me Ilan in the house and by my birth name at work, should it come up.  The real answer, I think, is to just be open about things at work, letting the faculty and other students know that I'd prefer to be called Ilan or that I may go by either name depending on the situation. . . so I'm going to talk to the director of the Pride Club here and ask for advice tomorrow.

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aidenonymous

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