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Name re-considerations
May. 16th, 2012 02:47 pmI've been thinking about making this post for about a month, since cutting my hair short, and to a cut I liked, but I didn't get off my ass to do it until now, after my first trim turned into my first bad haircut. I'm sure I'll recover as it grows out, but I have to deal with a couple weeks of hating the reflection of my own goddamn face and doubting the decision to cut off three feet of hair all in one go.
Anyway, I had a short haircut that I loved for the last month, for the first time since I was a kid. I started being read as male pretty much all the time and felt enormously confident compared to when I had long hair. I started feeling very strongly like my presentation was a good representation of who I actually am and something I was happy to see in the mirror.
As I adjusted to being seen the way I want to be seen, I started feeling like my name, Ilan, may not be the best fit. I still hate being called my old, feminine name, but I'm leaning more and more toward using a gender-neutral name. Basically, now that I feel more secure in my masculinity, I don't feel like I need a 100% male name anymore, the way I did when I had long hair and was constantly misgendered.
I'm transmasculine, but I'm also genderqueer, and I feel like I've let myself forget the significance of my non-binary identity in pursuit of passing, with the short hair, the male name, and masculine clothes. I don't think I'm going to change the way I've dressed my whole life, and I like my hair short for reasons other than gender, but this isn't the first time I've considered going by a different non-birth name.
As I've said before, Ilan would have been my middle name had I been born with "boy parts," and my first name would have been a common, gender-neutral name. My parents frequently told me this story as a child, and when I came out to my mom, she apologized for not giving me that name in the first place. I guess I'm making this post to say that I agree with her now and am seriously thinking about going by that other name.
I'm about to move to a new place where I don't know anyone, so I have a good opportunity to try it out. Awkwardly, I know there are several other people (all male, I believe) with that gender-neutral first name of mine who I'll be working with on a daily basis. However, I'm mostly worried that I'll want to go back to being called Ilan, since I've never had a common name before, and then I'll have to navigate asking people to call me a different name, something I've almost entirely avoided in transition.
Anyway, I had a short haircut that I loved for the last month, for the first time since I was a kid. I started being read as male pretty much all the time and felt enormously confident compared to when I had long hair. I started feeling very strongly like my presentation was a good representation of who I actually am and something I was happy to see in the mirror.
As I adjusted to being seen the way I want to be seen, I started feeling like my name, Ilan, may not be the best fit. I still hate being called my old, feminine name, but I'm leaning more and more toward using a gender-neutral name. Basically, now that I feel more secure in my masculinity, I don't feel like I need a 100% male name anymore, the way I did when I had long hair and was constantly misgendered.
I'm transmasculine, but I'm also genderqueer, and I feel like I've let myself forget the significance of my non-binary identity in pursuit of passing, with the short hair, the male name, and masculine clothes. I don't think I'm going to change the way I've dressed my whole life, and I like my hair short for reasons other than gender, but this isn't the first time I've considered going by a different non-birth name.
As I've said before, Ilan would have been my middle name had I been born with "boy parts," and my first name would have been a common, gender-neutral name. My parents frequently told me this story as a child, and when I came out to my mom, she apologized for not giving me that name in the first place. I guess I'm making this post to say that I agree with her now and am seriously thinking about going by that other name.
I'm about to move to a new place where I don't know anyone, so I have a good opportunity to try it out. Awkwardly, I know there are several other people (all male, I believe) with that gender-neutral first name of mine who I'll be working with on a daily basis. However, I'm mostly worried that I'll want to go back to being called Ilan, since I've never had a common name before, and then I'll have to navigate asking people to call me a different name, something I've almost entirely avoided in transition.
