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Today I committed an act of violence. I went to work today and didn't realize I'd left my bike lights at home until the sun started to set. I threw on my helmet and completely forgot that there had been a football game today and that I might have trouble getting back. I was approaching the steepest incline of my commute when three bros on the sidewalk attempted to get in front of me to block my way. One of them shouted something about getting my ass. The smaller one who'd threatened me attempted to use his body to keep me from moving forward, so I plowed right into him, getting him right in the 'nads because he was positioned to straddle my front wheel. I was destabilized from the impact and did have to get my feet on the ground for a moment, but I just got back on my bike and sprinted the rest of the way home. I heard him yell in pain as I made it up the hill and thanked the ether that his two larger friends were too stunned to run after me. I did not report the incident to the campus police; arguably, I was in the wrong for inflicting bodily harm on others for simply being verbally threatened. In retrospect, I believe they weren't trying to threaten me with violence. I think it's more likely that they thought I was a woman and were attempting to sexually harass me. They probably got the idea from my helmet, which hides my hair and is also pink.* That the provocation was based in misogyny makes me even more proud of having hurt someone, however, I'm also left scared that I'm going to need to work harder to assimilate as binary if I don't want to become a victim of something beyond a verbal threat. Perhaps it's time to get a new helmet.
( *Why a pink helmet? )
( *Why a pink helmet? )
Ranty rant
May. 1st, 2012 05:36 pmBlah, my knee is fucked, and I'm not handling it well because I haven't been working out, which is generally how I keep my head level. Plus there was a lot of irritating misgendering at the doctor's office, and I felt really powerless to stop it. I have Kaiser, which means every part of the system knows everything every other part does. Every time I went to a different office (primary care physician, minor injury clinic, radiology, etc.), they'd print out a sheet saying whether I was up-to-date on various tests/immunizations and who my doctors are. First, it reminds me how fucking pissed I am that they wouldn't let me opt out of being assigned a gyno., as it lists one so I can't forget that my insurance wants to be all up in some dumb organs I don't want in the first place no matter what I say. Second, it says that I've refused to get a Pap, so every single doctor, when looking at my chart, asked me about it before even inquiring as to why I was there. I sought medical attention for a knee injury, not because I was suddenly interested in having someone inspect my goddamn crotch; if I'd wanted that, I would have made an appointment with the gyno. they fucking randomly assigned me against my will, not with the minor injury clinic with a note explicitly stating I had a knee injury for fuck's sake. I hate that they reduced me down to a jar containing some precious reproductive organs and didn't care that one of the jar's essential joints wasn't working right. Oh, and after all that, there's nothing they can do, because the next available appointment for an MRI, the test that will actually determine the degree to which I tore the damn ligament they aren't even fucking sure I tore, is after I move across the country. So I'm going to have to move with a worthless knee and then immediately start this whole process from scratch again, but in an even less faimilar place.
Can't sleep, hormones will eat me
Apr. 21st, 2012 12:59 amI've been meaning to check up on my body fat percentage since I outgrew two binders from upper body muscle gains, and I finally got around to it today while playing hooky. The Internet tells me pretty consistently that I'm at about 20% body fat right now (which is considered "athletic" for a female but only "acceptable" for a male). In December, I estimated it was about 25% ("acceptable" for either sex), so I feel pretty accomplished; I'm about half way to my six-month goal in under four months. I was feeling badly about losing weight while trying to gain weight, but even though I'm underweight for the second time since I turned 18, I have something to be proud of. (EDIT: Upon further research, it looks like gaining 10lbs in six months was rather unrealistic to begin with. Given my female hormonal situation, it should take me twice that long to gain that much weight, and that's if I pay a lot more attention to what and how much I eat.)
And it's shit like this that makes me conflicted about T! If I can work hard and see results, and the process of doing so makes me feel good about my body, do I really need T? When I look in the mirror, I don't see a woman/girl/female anymore, and, in spite of very real and fairly regular bouts of dysphoria, I'm satisfied with that. I realize others don't see me the way I do, especially once I open my mouth, and I'm not sure if I'll handle that better when I'm on a college campus again, or if it will only worsen as I continue to age out of androgyny. But I don't even know why I'm trying to find reasons to delay T in the first place when I know it can help me become more than just satisfied with myself. The letter is right in front of me, but I can't bring myself to grab it! And I'm afraid to discuss my uncertainty with my therapist in case he decides he can't give me the letter because I'm not 100% sure I want it right now.
And it's shit like this that makes me conflicted about T! If I can work hard and see results, and the process of doing so makes me feel good about my body, do I really need T? When I look in the mirror, I don't see a woman/girl/female anymore, and, in spite of very real and fairly regular bouts of dysphoria, I'm satisfied with that. I realize others don't see me the way I do, especially once I open my mouth, and I'm not sure if I'll handle that better when I'm on a college campus again, or if it will only worsen as I continue to age out of androgyny. But I don't even know why I'm trying to find reasons to delay T in the first place when I know it can help me become more than just satisfied with myself. The letter is right in front of me, but I can't bring myself to grab it! And I'm afraid to discuss my uncertainty with my therapist in case he decides he can't give me the letter because I'm not 100% sure I want it right now.
Ilan is an amusedly sad panda
Apr. 10th, 2012 03:56 pmBy about a month ago, my shoulders grew enough that I could actually wear my Tri-top without the neckline showing through clothes. As of a week ago, they've grown enough that I had to un-modify that binder so it wouldn't give me welts in my armpits. (It still doesn't look great, what with the bottom hem sticking out through clothes, but it definitely doesn't need the shoulders taken in anymore.) And today, I had to retire my most favoritest binder because it's too damn small for my hulking shoulders. First world problems, y'hear!
( Notes mostly for my own reference )
( Notes mostly for my own reference )
Gaah! Reading about this made me feel a little ill just now. I actually love the idea of this event, giving cis folks (and maybe binary-identified trans people) an idea of what it's like to be transgender, and especially non-binary identified. But when I read the description, it reminded me of my own cowardice and the toll taken by "the path of least resistance." I would not be able to take this challenge right now!
( rambling about bathrooms, locker rooms, and pajamas )
( rambling about bathrooms, locker rooms, and pajamas )
Fail update is fail
Feb. 15th, 2012 03:56 pmWoah, okay, I am owing this thing a huge update. I've been getting my fair share of good news from grad schools, and I got a second job in addition to the one I just started last week. I've also started seeing a health coach, mostly because it's half the price of therapy, and I found free therapy instead, so I'm still spending half what I'd saved up for mental health stuff anyway and hopefully I'll be eating better and continuing to exercise sufficiently. Right, and then today I just heard back from the free therapy, which, did I mention, is free, and they apologized for technical issues that made it take so long to get back to me. So, I've got lots of stuff to do all the time which is quite different from my usual problem of having nothing to do but wallow in self pity and give advice on tumblr. Anyway, I will probably make a more detailed, friends-locked elaboration on this update some time soon.
Belated update
Feb. 14th, 2012 12:00 pmYesterday was the first meeting (over the phone) with the health coach. I think this is something I'm going to go through with. He got me to promise to feed myself a sensible dinner and e-mail my doctor (who dismissed my concerns as usual, thanks Kaiser). I'm willing to spend the money and think I (and my partner) will get a lot out of it, even if the program is very focused on eating and less on exercise. I wish I had a better sense of whether the health coach would be okay talking about trans-related things, because they're a big part of my mental health, but I don't know if that's a sensitive topic for him, being FTM himself. I also wish fewer of the meetings would be over the phone, because my ADD makes it very hard to pay attention to someone talking if I can't see them. I'm going to bring this up before paying for the first month, but I'm not sure what the solution could be.
I also had a minor meltdown about my hormonal situation.
( "What situation?" you might ask. . . )
I also had a minor meltdown about my hormonal situation.
( "What situation?" you might ask. . . )
Health Goals for 2012
Jan. 18th, 2012 06:12 pmWhile being a pro at procrastination, I was inspired by this post on![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
ftmfit. My goals are for the first half of 2012 because I expect to move again after that and don't know where I'll be or what will be feasible anymore. On to the list. . .
- rock climbing at the gym at least twice a week
- yoga at the gym at least once a week
- early morning bike ride (or hike) every weekend
- reaching 120lbs by way of muscle gain
The past year has been awful in terms of fitness due to focusing on graduating and then moving and not being able to afford a gym membership. But, I rang in the new year with a membership to a climbing gym that also offers yoga classes, so the first two goals have been satisfied every week so far this year. As for the third, I just can't seem to wake up early enough to get to the trails before traffic picks up and I get too scared of being hit by a car on the way there. If I don't wake up early enough to go on my bike ride, the plan is to drive somewhere with hiking trails and do that instead. No more slacking on weekends! The last one may sound strange, but I've been a consistent 110lbs for years with a small blip of reaching 120lbs when I was in really good shape two summers ago; my goal is to once again achieve that, which was my scrawny-ass frame with an additional 10lbs of muscle on my upper body. Wish me luck!
ftmfit. My goals are for the first half of 2012 because I expect to move again after that and don't know where I'll be or what will be feasible anymore. On to the list. . .- rock climbing at the gym at least twice a week
- yoga at the gym at least once a week
- early morning bike ride (or hike) every weekend
- reaching 120lbs by way of muscle gain
The past year has been awful in terms of fitness due to focusing on graduating and then moving and not being able to afford a gym membership. But, I rang in the new year with a membership to a climbing gym that also offers yoga classes, so the first two goals have been satisfied every week so far this year. As for the third, I just can't seem to wake up early enough to get to the trails before traffic picks up and I get too scared of being hit by a car on the way there. If I don't wake up early enough to go on my bike ride, the plan is to drive somewhere with hiking trails and do that instead. No more slacking on weekends! The last one may sound strange, but I've been a consistent 110lbs for years with a small blip of reaching 120lbs when I was in really good shape two summers ago; my goal is to once again achieve that, which was my scrawny-ass frame with an additional 10lbs of muscle on my upper body. Wish me luck!
Bootstrapping
Dec. 29th, 2011 05:16 pmI haven't been on-line much since I went to New York, first because I was traveling and had intermittent Internet access, and then because I was focusing on my grad. school applications. But I got a lot done yesterday and today and can take a few minutes to update and read my friends page (and post a few things that got lost in transit using the nifty "Date Out of Order" option). Anyway, I was really in the dumps before my trip back east, and I've had a lot of energy basically since I got there, minus a few days when I had a cold since getting back. I'm surprised that that positive energy carried over upon my return to the Bay Area, but I actually want to do things and advance my life now. Crazy, huh?
I'll be buying a gym membership (rock climbing and yoga) later today and am so psyched about it, in part because my health insurance will cover half the cost. And I've scheduled counseling at the local LGBTQ space for the New Year, and I'll be going to a local FTM support group to boot. Plus I'm finally on the last attempt to cure my acne before I can try Accutane and maybe stop worrying that T will make my skin even worse than it already is. Oh, and I found out that my current insurance covers voluntary sterilization, which I may try to wrangle into a hysto. Progress, fuck yeah!
I'll be buying a gym membership (rock climbing and yoga) later today and am so psyched about it, in part because my health insurance will cover half the cost. And I've scheduled counseling at the local LGBTQ space for the New Year, and I'll be going to a local FTM support group to boot. Plus I'm finally on the last attempt to cure my acne before I can try Accutane and maybe stop worrying that T will make my skin even worse than it already is. Oh, and I found out that my current insurance covers voluntary sterilization, which I may try to wrangle into a hysto. Progress, fuck yeah!
LJ, why you do this?!
Sep. 7th, 2011 11:14 amLJ keeps eating the post I'm trying to make, so I'll try to make it brief, because my posts are deleted as soon as I try to use the goddamn Cut Wizard (or do it manually in HTML).
I haven't posted lately because I'm depressed, but I'm depressed (at least in part) because of vitamin deficiencies. I won't buy more vitamins because the only ones that have all the stuff I'm deficient in are "women's" vitamins, and I'm stubborn.
I started but quit an exercise program due to being a complete wimp. Which is to say, I have no endurance and may not know how to do a proper pushup. But I might try again when I'm less sick.
I went to my first doctor's appointment on my new insurance to get my prescriptions refilled, and it went very poorly. The doctor was pushy about me not getting a Pap because I'm over 21, despite not having any risk for exposure to HPV. But the doctor didn't seem concerned that I was ignoring a chronic condition that I've had to have surgery for in the past, and she tried to prescribe me a dangerous medication without mentioning the risks. At least she didn't blatantly assume I was a lesbian. And to add insult to injury the insurance company sent me a letter saying that I hadn't picked a primary care doctor yet, which was bullshit because I'd just had an appointment with one. No, the letter went on to say that all females over 18 enrolled in the plan had to also pick a gynecologist, and if I didn't pick one, they'd pick one for me. If they do, I will call and complain, but I doubt I can do much more than that.
I also went clothes shopping because it's colder in San Francisco than it is in Los Angeles, and I was consistently read as a non-binary gender. It was great, except for one salesperson who seemed to think that queer was contagious.
Anyway, I'll be catching up on LJ when I'm not obsessively watching this.
Edited for more LJ code fail. No clue what's going on here.
I haven't posted lately because I'm depressed, but I'm depressed (at least in part) because of vitamin deficiencies. I won't buy more vitamins because the only ones that have all the stuff I'm deficient in are "women's" vitamins, and I'm stubborn.
I started but quit an exercise program due to being a complete wimp. Which is to say, I have no endurance and may not know how to do a proper pushup. But I might try again when I'm less sick.
I went to my first doctor's appointment on my new insurance to get my prescriptions refilled, and it went very poorly. The doctor was pushy about me not getting a Pap because I'm over 21, despite not having any risk for exposure to HPV. But the doctor didn't seem concerned that I was ignoring a chronic condition that I've had to have surgery for in the past, and she tried to prescribe me a dangerous medication without mentioning the risks. At least she didn't blatantly assume I was a lesbian. And to add insult to injury the insurance company sent me a letter saying that I hadn't picked a primary care doctor yet, which was bullshit because I'd just had an appointment with one. No, the letter went on to say that all females over 18 enrolled in the plan had to also pick a gynecologist, and if I didn't pick one, they'd pick one for me. If they do, I will call and complain, but I doubt I can do much more than that.
I also went clothes shopping because it's colder in San Francisco than it is in Los Angeles, and I was consistently read as a non-binary gender. It was great, except for one salesperson who seemed to think that queer was contagious.
Anyway, I'll be catching up on LJ when I'm not obsessively watching this.
Edited for more LJ code fail. No clue what's going on here.
New Year, Shmoo Year!
Dec. 31st, 2010 12:19 pmNo, I'm not really that much of a humbug. I wanted to write a summary of this year, because it's been a rough one for me. But, some parts were so bad I couldn't write much about them. Stupid emotions! So, here's the short version. . .
( lightning-speed summary of 2010 )
Anyway, the start and end of the school year is a much better delineation between years for me, so I can pretend it's not that big of a deal that I can't get my shit together about last year. More seriously, that's actually the reason why I'm not making many New Year's resolutions, because I've already planned a bunch of big changes for when I have less on my plate during my gap year, after I graduate this spring. I only have one resolution, and that's to get into gender therapy, because I'm a mess right now and need some outside help. It doesn't sound like much, but with my insurance and history with therapists, it could take most of the year. . . wish me luck!
( lightning-speed summary of 2010 )
Anyway, the start and end of the school year is a much better delineation between years for me, so I can pretend it's not that big of a deal that I can't get my shit together about last year. More seriously, that's actually the reason why I'm not making many New Year's resolutions, because I've already planned a bunch of big changes for when I have less on my plate during my gap year, after I graduate this spring. I only have one resolution, and that's to get into gender therapy, because I'm a mess right now and need some outside help. It doesn't sound like much, but with my insurance and history with therapists, it could take most of the year. . . wish me luck!
