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Last year, I judged a science fair, and the experience made me doubt my own sanity. I judged the same fair this year, and it to some extent restored my faith in humanity, or at least in middle school science teachers. At the same time, it made me question my own misogyny.
The way this fair works is that all the students have qualified in a local fair so they all get a prize, 1st, 2nd, or 3rd at this fair. There's no limit on the number of students who can get each ranking, and they're not judged against each other; rather, they're judged by their adherence to objective standards. They get 1st if they exceed the standards, 2nd if they met the standards but were no better than that, and 3rd if they really didn't meet the standards. There were five girls and four boys in my morning session of 16-year-olds; the boys all got first, and the girls all got second. There were five girls and five boys in my afternoon session of 13-year-olds; one boy and one girl got first, but the two who got third were both girls. Small number statistics, I know, but something isn't right here, and I'm not comfortable with my role in it. Also, not sure how relevant it is, but the two first place 13-year-olds were the only two in the bunch who clearly hadn't even dipped a toe into puberty. I wonder if being a late bloomer contributed to being a science whiz because I wasn't distracted by sexuality. That being said, I wasn't nearly as far behind my peers as those two were, just very small in general.
I had a nice chat over lunch with a graduating senior who wanted to be a middle school science teacher. He thought I was another contestant but accepted me as male even after knowing my age. I encouraged him and generally felt like a good person.
I expressed so much optimism in therapy. I've been more outgoing at work since coming out. I scheduled a meeting with a speaker to talk about science. Career advice in my field often includes something about initiative, especially the suggestion of making appointments to chat with speakers as a way to be remembered as having come up with some ideas they'll take with them or possibly making a connection with a collaborator. I never did it before because I was shy and felt that I didn't have anything to contribute or that my questions were stupid or because they might remember me as a girl. I didn't let myself worry about that this time. I scheduled the meeting and talked for half an hour back and forth about some crazy ideas for science that could be done with this guy's data, and potential problems with some applications of it, and how we could collaborate in the future. He even told me some of my ideas were really good and that he hadn't heard them before, and I promised to send him the draft of the paper I'm working on when I submit it in a few weeks. So, yeah, lowered inhibitions at work can be a good thing.
The way this fair works is that all the students have qualified in a local fair so they all get a prize, 1st, 2nd, or 3rd at this fair. There's no limit on the number of students who can get each ranking, and they're not judged against each other; rather, they're judged by their adherence to objective standards. They get 1st if they exceed the standards, 2nd if they met the standards but were no better than that, and 3rd if they really didn't meet the standards. There were five girls and four boys in my morning session of 16-year-olds; the boys all got first, and the girls all got second. There were five girls and five boys in my afternoon session of 13-year-olds; one boy and one girl got first, but the two who got third were both girls. Small number statistics, I know, but something isn't right here, and I'm not comfortable with my role in it. Also, not sure how relevant it is, but the two first place 13-year-olds were the only two in the bunch who clearly hadn't even dipped a toe into puberty. I wonder if being a late bloomer contributed to being a science whiz because I wasn't distracted by sexuality. That being said, I wasn't nearly as far behind my peers as those two were, just very small in general.
I had a nice chat over lunch with a graduating senior who wanted to be a middle school science teacher. He thought I was another contestant but accepted me as male even after knowing my age. I encouraged him and generally felt like a good person.
I expressed so much optimism in therapy. I've been more outgoing at work since coming out. I scheduled a meeting with a speaker to talk about science. Career advice in my field often includes something about initiative, especially the suggestion of making appointments to chat with speakers as a way to be remembered as having come up with some ideas they'll take with them or possibly making a connection with a collaborator. I never did it before because I was shy and felt that I didn't have anything to contribute or that my questions were stupid or because they might remember me as a girl. I didn't let myself worry about that this time. I scheduled the meeting and talked for half an hour back and forth about some crazy ideas for science that could be done with this guy's data, and potential problems with some applications of it, and how we could collaborate in the future. He even told me some of my ideas were really good and that he hadn't heard them before, and I promised to send him the draft of the paper I'm working on when I submit it in a few weeks. So, yeah, lowered inhibitions at work can be a good thing.
I think I just got hit on by a guy as a guy for the first time. I don't really have any hard evidence, but I'm pretty sure that's what happened. I didn't like it any more than being hit on as a girl to be honest, but maybe it was the context.
In other news, I've been applying my T on an every other day basis since Thursday. My voice was really ridiculously low on Thursday night, so I didn't apply it Friday. I did apply it Saturday, and both Saturday and Sunday my voice felt really strangely deep. Have I said "really" enough yet? Anyway, it's not that I don't like where it is, but I'm kind of concerned about it changing so much at the inauspicious time of ten-ish months on T after previously seeming to settle down. I know there's no "right time" to come out, but it will be a significantly better time once the semester ends. I've already reached the point at which I can no longer pass for female at work, and my voice going into overdrive is not going to make the next month any easier. I am not, however, considering taking a break again. That was no fun at all. So, ummm, awkwardness?
In other news, I've been applying my T on an every other day basis since Thursday. My voice was really ridiculously low on Thursday night, so I didn't apply it Friday. I did apply it Saturday, and both Saturday and Sunday my voice felt really strangely deep. Have I said "really" enough yet? Anyway, it's not that I don't like where it is, but I'm kind of concerned about it changing so much at the inauspicious time of ten-ish months on T after previously seeming to settle down. I know there's no "right time" to come out, but it will be a significantly better time once the semester ends. I've already reached the point at which I can no longer pass for female at work, and my voice going into overdrive is not going to make the next month any easier. I am not, however, considering taking a break again. That was no fun at all. So, ummm, awkwardness?
Still alive
Mar. 20th, 2014 06:16 pmI kinda fell off the internet again. I was really burnt out and barely made it to Spring Break. I restarted T the week before break because I was a nervous wreck. By then, I'd been having negative effects from stopping for about two weeks, and I couldn't cope anymore. I'm going to make a T update kind of post about the whole thing, but the short version was that it was not pretty. I basically got to the same point I was at when I started, unable to function without it. I'll admit though, the first ten days or so were a valuable and hardly excruciating experience (that I have no plans to repeat any time soon).
I slept through most of the break and basically got nothing done but felt somewhat refreshed at the end. I'm pretty much abandoning the project I've been working on for the past six months, which puts me at risk of not being able to take my comprehensive exam at the end of the summer, but I don't feel like I have much of an option. Right before break, I made an appointment to talk to the head of the grad program and explained the problem. It's not that I don't have time for research. It's that I have only a few hours each day of peak mental productivity, and I can hardly get anything done like that, at lest not on something so abstract. At our meeting, he told me that my advisor had just contacted him asking if I was alright, and he'd told her to go easy on me. It's not what I want, but it may be what I need. I don't know if this is awkward or expected given how I came out to him, but we have not said a word about it IRL and barely a reference has been made in e-mails. Related: I need to write a coming out letter to my advisor and have been putting it off for almost two weeks. . . another thing I need but don't want, apparently.
( words about my chest )
Anyway, I don't want to go into this unless I'm confident I won't regret it, even if my regular doctor, endo, and therapist are falling over themselves to write me a letter. I don't know what I'm going to say to the surgeon when we meet, but I have six weeks to figure it out. Maybe the surgeon will turn out to be a really good salesperson and totally win me over. In the meantime, I should do that work I was doing before it occurred to me that I'd think better after getting this out. I'm hoping I'll have enough spoons to catch up with folks here a bit this weekend.
I slept through most of the break and basically got nothing done but felt somewhat refreshed at the end. I'm pretty much abandoning the project I've been working on for the past six months, which puts me at risk of not being able to take my comprehensive exam at the end of the summer, but I don't feel like I have much of an option. Right before break, I made an appointment to talk to the head of the grad program and explained the problem. It's not that I don't have time for research. It's that I have only a few hours each day of peak mental productivity, and I can hardly get anything done like that, at lest not on something so abstract. At our meeting, he told me that my advisor had just contacted him asking if I was alright, and he'd told her to go easy on me. It's not what I want, but it may be what I need. I don't know if this is awkward or expected given how I came out to him, but we have not said a word about it IRL and barely a reference has been made in e-mails. Related: I need to write a coming out letter to my advisor and have been putting it off for almost two weeks. . . another thing I need but don't want, apparently.
( words about my chest )
Anyway, I don't want to go into this unless I'm confident I won't regret it, even if my regular doctor, endo, and therapist are falling over themselves to write me a letter. I don't know what I'm going to say to the surgeon when we meet, but I have six weeks to figure it out. Maybe the surgeon will turn out to be a really good salesperson and totally win me over. In the meantime, I should do that work I was doing before it occurred to me that I'd think better after getting this out. I'm hoping I'll have enough spoons to catch up with folks here a bit this weekend.
Tags:
- binding,
- chest,
- clothes,
- depression,
- doctors,
- dysphoria,
- health,
- partner,
- passing,
- recognition,
- surgery,
- therapy,
- transition,
- work
Today I committed an act of violence. I went to work today and didn't realize I'd left my bike lights at home until the sun started to set. I threw on my helmet and completely forgot that there had been a football game today and that I might have trouble getting back. I was approaching the steepest incline of my commute when three bros on the sidewalk attempted to get in front of me to block my way. One of them shouted something about getting my ass. The smaller one who'd threatened me attempted to use his body to keep me from moving forward, so I plowed right into him, getting him right in the 'nads because he was positioned to straddle my front wheel. I was destabilized from the impact and did have to get my feet on the ground for a moment, but I just got back on my bike and sprinted the rest of the way home. I heard him yell in pain as I made it up the hill and thanked the ether that his two larger friends were too stunned to run after me. I did not report the incident to the campus police; arguably, I was in the wrong for inflicting bodily harm on others for simply being verbally threatened. In retrospect, I believe they weren't trying to threaten me with violence. I think it's more likely that they thought I was a woman and were attempting to sexually harass me. They probably got the idea from my helmet, which hides my hair and is also pink.* That the provocation was based in misogyny makes me even more proud of having hurt someone, however, I'm also left scared that I'm going to need to work harder to assimilate as binary if I don't want to become a victim of something beyond a verbal threat. Perhaps it's time to get a new helmet.
( *Why a pink helmet? )
( *Why a pink helmet? )
Grocery Tales
Oct. 3rd, 2013 09:58 pmLast night, I went recreational grocery shopping with my partner during the one day he was home between two long business trips. It was about half past midnight, and the only other shoppers were these two older dudes (maybe forties?) who fit the stereotype of flaming gay men to a T. The one carrying all the groceries with a limp wrist wore a neon orange, skin tight T shirt. The other had an unusual haircut (like a Chelsea, only less hair everywhere), rainbow plastic rimmed glasses, and some really interesting ear jewelery. Given that the one with the flashy accessories must be used to it, what was strange about this encounter was not that I stared at them. It was that they stared at me.
[posted without further comment]
[posted without further comment]
Well that was easily the most thorough groping I've ever gotten before. I dealt with it, but there's no way they didn't know what was under my clothes. My hopes of avoiding the scanners so that at least the results of the pat-down would be unshareable between unprofessionals were also dashed.
When I asked to opt out of the scanners (everyone at that check point had to go through them), Agent 1 asked for a male assist on his walkie talkie. Agent 2 waited a bit and then said something inaudible to Agent 1. Agent 1 had a brief, inaudible exchange with Agent 3 behind him and repeated his request into the walkie talkie. After some waiting, Agent 1 waved me through the scanner and met me on the other side. He introduced me to Agent 4, who was responsible for the actual groping. The groping was everything I feared, lots of attention on the chest and crotch (in spite of my request that they be sensitive there), almost entirely using the front of his hands, and running his hands under the collar of my T-shirt as well as the waistband of my pants -- he could see my binder, feel that I lack male external genitalia from both the front and back, and could feel that my chest was lumpier than could be excused. This was the first time in years that I wished I'd been packing; I don't even own a soft packer, so it's pretty significant if I feel like I need something in my pants to be male enough. Anyway, I'm glad I asked for it to be done in the open, because the only thing that could have made it more uncomfortable would have been to be alone with Agent 4.
When we were just about finished, Agent 5, the manager, walked over and shook his head and hands and stopped Agent 4. He asked to see my passport and asked me to pronounce my name and then started chastizing Agent 4 for giving me a pat-down, asking who authorized it. Agent 3 was implicated -- she was the one on the other end of the walkie talkie telling Agent 1 that I should get a male assist when he was unsure. Agents 3 and 5 argued and several times checked against my passport, Agent 5 insisting that my name was clearly female and Agent 3 countering that "she presents herself as male so she is male." (This is actually TSA policy, despite what the manager seemed to believe, although I suspect I could have gotten out of it by pretending to be a butch woman.) He repeatedly asked me if I was male or female, and each time I pointed to the sex marker on my passport and said male. I offered to give them my therapist's letter but they didn't seem interested. When they finally stopped arguing, I had to endure a bit more groping and then could leave.
That was actually not the first gender-related incident of the morning. When I checked in, my passport wouldn't scan, so a ticket representative had to verify that the information I entered matched my passport. She didn't notice the sex marker, although I believe it would have been flagged if my passport did not match the information associated with my ticket. She asked me to pronounce my name, I believed because it was difficult to accept that my appearance could be associated with it. I asked if it was necessary, and her tone changed to be more interrogative, and I grew frightened, so I just said it. She said it was very pretty and let me go.
After that first incident, I wasn't feeling too confident gender-wise and really had to pee, so I just went to the women's, although I did hesitate in deciding which door to go into. Luckily the restroom was totally deserted, and I didn't run into anyone. I did use a men's room later on before my flight (stupid coffee!) and didn't interact with anyone there either.
Ugh, so that pat-down, still preferable to the scanners? Perhaps not. I will request a female agent from now on and ask for it to be done in private if I am originally assigned a male agent. It wasn't so much more traumatizing because the agent was male rather than female, but the nature of the pat-down was what I had feared. I'm grateful Agent 4 was professional about it, since he must have known almost immediately that something was up, and he didn't say anything about it to me. At the same time, I don't know if my more thorough pat-down was an expression of the agent's curiosity about my unusual anatomy, or something sexual directed at a female, or if it was just standard procedure for those perceived to be male. I'm inclined to complain to the TSA about it, but there's nowhere quiet in the airport and my phone won't work in Canada, so it will have to wait until I return.
When I asked to opt out of the scanners (everyone at that check point had to go through them), Agent 1 asked for a male assist on his walkie talkie. Agent 2 waited a bit and then said something inaudible to Agent 1. Agent 1 had a brief, inaudible exchange with Agent 3 behind him and repeated his request into the walkie talkie. After some waiting, Agent 1 waved me through the scanner and met me on the other side. He introduced me to Agent 4, who was responsible for the actual groping. The groping was everything I feared, lots of attention on the chest and crotch (in spite of my request that they be sensitive there), almost entirely using the front of his hands, and running his hands under the collar of my T-shirt as well as the waistband of my pants -- he could see my binder, feel that I lack male external genitalia from both the front and back, and could feel that my chest was lumpier than could be excused. This was the first time in years that I wished I'd been packing; I don't even own a soft packer, so it's pretty significant if I feel like I need something in my pants to be male enough. Anyway, I'm glad I asked for it to be done in the open, because the only thing that could have made it more uncomfortable would have been to be alone with Agent 4.
When we were just about finished, Agent 5, the manager, walked over and shook his head and hands and stopped Agent 4. He asked to see my passport and asked me to pronounce my name and then started chastizing Agent 4 for giving me a pat-down, asking who authorized it. Agent 3 was implicated -- she was the one on the other end of the walkie talkie telling Agent 1 that I should get a male assist when he was unsure. Agents 3 and 5 argued and several times checked against my passport, Agent 5 insisting that my name was clearly female and Agent 3 countering that "she presents herself as male so she is male." (This is actually TSA policy, despite what the manager seemed to believe, although I suspect I could have gotten out of it by pretending to be a butch woman.) He repeatedly asked me if I was male or female, and each time I pointed to the sex marker on my passport and said male. I offered to give them my therapist's letter but they didn't seem interested. When they finally stopped arguing, I had to endure a bit more groping and then could leave.
That was actually not the first gender-related incident of the morning. When I checked in, my passport wouldn't scan, so a ticket representative had to verify that the information I entered matched my passport. She didn't notice the sex marker, although I believe it would have been flagged if my passport did not match the information associated with my ticket. She asked me to pronounce my name, I believed because it was difficult to accept that my appearance could be associated with it. I asked if it was necessary, and her tone changed to be more interrogative, and I grew frightened, so I just said it. She said it was very pretty and let me go.
After that first incident, I wasn't feeling too confident gender-wise and really had to pee, so I just went to the women's, although I did hesitate in deciding which door to go into. Luckily the restroom was totally deserted, and I didn't run into anyone. I did use a men's room later on before my flight (stupid coffee!) and didn't interact with anyone there either.
Ugh, so that pat-down, still preferable to the scanners? Perhaps not. I will request a female agent from now on and ask for it to be done in private if I am originally assigned a male agent. It wasn't so much more traumatizing because the agent was male rather than female, but the nature of the pat-down was what I had feared. I'm grateful Agent 4 was professional about it, since he must have known almost immediately that something was up, and he didn't say anything about it to me. At the same time, I don't know if my more thorough pat-down was an expression of the agent's curiosity about my unusual anatomy, or something sexual directed at a female, or if it was just standard procedure for those perceived to be male. I'm inclined to complain to the TSA about it, but there's nowhere quiet in the airport and my phone won't work in Canada, so it will have to wait until I return.
Where was I?
Jun. 26th, 2013 08:16 pmI feel guilty that I haven't been posting recently. I've been tyring to let work take over again but I keep getting sucked into mindless web browsing (mostly Reddit). I'm feeling really unmotivated even though I'm consciously excited about my work. I've also been dealing with my best friend outing me and trying to repair the damage to our relationship and my relationship with his parents. That's really a matter for a separate post.
I also filed my passport application yesterday, although things hardly went as planned. The postmaster didn't even notice that I'd checked the M box and never asked for my letter. He also didn't notice all my ID was expired and made sure to comment on how "pretty" I am and address me as "miss" at least once per sentence. I called the State Dept. afterwards and they said they'd contact me if anything was missing, and I'm worried that it will delay my passport application by enough that I can't go. The silver lining is that I was approved for funding for the trip. /-:
The past week or so has been awful for dysphoria. I've been down on myself about my body -- I'm not gaining weight, but I am gaining body fat due to not getting out and doing anything. The rate of misgendering has skyrocketed, although that could be due to a combination of office drama (and horrible officemates who love reminding me that they think I'm female), the process of changing documentation (and interacting with godawful bureaucrats who don't even notice the sex marker I select because I'm so obviously female to them), and a general loss of confidence (which has led to a feedback loop).
I'm sure it's not helped by the fact that I haven't even had the spoons to bind regularly -- I'm small enough at this point that it can't be the biggest reason why I'm not passing, but it must contribute -- and have been going home early just to get out of having anything more than an undershirt on. Just having anything on my chest is making me think about it too much to focus on anything else, and as long as I'm alone and not moving, I don't even notice that anything's wrong with it unbound.
On top of everything else, it's been really hot here for the past week, to the point that I'm arriving at work drenched in sweat. If AndroGel can't be washed off for 5 hours after application in order to be fully absorbed, I'm pretty sure my effective dose has decreased. This could explain my voice plateauing higher than its lowest so far (although definitely lower than when I started), something that's been bothering me a lot and contributing to the problems of the previous paragraph.
I ran the idea of doubling my dose by my partner, and he was really not happy about it. He thinks I've had more emotional issues since starting T. I was afraid he meant anger or mood swings, but he clarified that he meant my ADHD has worsened and I've been practicing more avoidance of responsibilities. I talked with him about it and he was reasonably understanding, mostly because double my current dose is the same as the dose I was actually prescribed, but he still wanted me to wait until I talked to my therapist.
However, today was especially difficult due to having to interact with my peers in my home department, and the dysphoria was keeping me from getting any work done. So, starting today, my 51st day on T, I'm taking the full 2.5 g. Since today is also my 9 year anniversary of dating my partner (yeah, we got together really young, definitely not expecting this relationship to last so long), I wanted to talk with him first and make sure he could handle me doing this now (and he said he'd be okay), so the doses are about 8 hours apart. Until it cools down enough that my sweat won't immediately wash off a decent fraction of it, I'll be applying two pumps in the morning.
I also filed my passport application yesterday, although things hardly went as planned. The postmaster didn't even notice that I'd checked the M box and never asked for my letter. He also didn't notice all my ID was expired and made sure to comment on how "pretty" I am and address me as "miss" at least once per sentence. I called the State Dept. afterwards and they said they'd contact me if anything was missing, and I'm worried that it will delay my passport application by enough that I can't go. The silver lining is that I was approved for funding for the trip. /-:
The past week or so has been awful for dysphoria. I've been down on myself about my body -- I'm not gaining weight, but I am gaining body fat due to not getting out and doing anything. The rate of misgendering has skyrocketed, although that could be due to a combination of office drama (and horrible officemates who love reminding me that they think I'm female), the process of changing documentation (and interacting with godawful bureaucrats who don't even notice the sex marker I select because I'm so obviously female to them), and a general loss of confidence (which has led to a feedback loop).
I'm sure it's not helped by the fact that I haven't even had the spoons to bind regularly -- I'm small enough at this point that it can't be the biggest reason why I'm not passing, but it must contribute -- and have been going home early just to get out of having anything more than an undershirt on. Just having anything on my chest is making me think about it too much to focus on anything else, and as long as I'm alone and not moving, I don't even notice that anything's wrong with it unbound.
On top of everything else, it's been really hot here for the past week, to the point that I'm arriving at work drenched in sweat. If AndroGel can't be washed off for 5 hours after application in order to be fully absorbed, I'm pretty sure my effective dose has decreased. This could explain my voice plateauing higher than its lowest so far (although definitely lower than when I started), something that's been bothering me a lot and contributing to the problems of the previous paragraph.
I ran the idea of doubling my dose by my partner, and he was really not happy about it. He thinks I've had more emotional issues since starting T. I was afraid he meant anger or mood swings, but he clarified that he meant my ADHD has worsened and I've been practicing more avoidance of responsibilities. I talked with him about it and he was reasonably understanding, mostly because double my current dose is the same as the dose I was actually prescribed, but he still wanted me to wait until I talked to my therapist.
However, today was especially difficult due to having to interact with my peers in my home department, and the dysphoria was keeping me from getting any work done. So, starting today, my 51st day on T, I'm taking the full 2.5 g. Since today is also my 9 year anniversary of dating my partner (yeah, we got together really young, definitely not expecting this relationship to last so long), I wanted to talk with him first and make sure he could handle me doing this now (and he said he'd be okay), so the doses are about 8 hours apart. Until it cools down enough that my sweat won't immediately wash off a decent fraction of it, I'll be applying two pumps in the morning.
Name re-considerations
May. 16th, 2012 02:47 pmI've been thinking about making this post for about a month, since cutting my hair short, and to a cut I liked, but I didn't get off my ass to do it until now, after my first trim turned into my first bad haircut. I'm sure I'll recover as it grows out, but I have to deal with a couple weeks of hating the reflection of my own goddamn face and doubting the decision to cut off three feet of hair all in one go.
Anyway, I had a short haircut that I loved for the last month, for the first time since I was a kid. I started being read as male pretty much all the time and felt enormously confident compared to when I had long hair. I started feeling very strongly like my presentation was a good representation of who I actually am and something I was happy to see in the mirror.
As I adjusted to being seen the way I want to be seen, I started feeling like my name, Ilan, may not be the best fit. I still hate being called my old, feminine name, but I'm leaning more and more toward using a gender-neutral name. Basically, now that I feel more secure in my masculinity, I don't feel like I need a 100% male name anymore, the way I did when I had long hair and was constantly misgendered.
I'm transmasculine, but I'm also genderqueer, and I feel like I've let myself forget the significance of my non-binary identity in pursuit of passing, with the short hair, the male name, and masculine clothes. I don't think I'm going to change the way I've dressed my whole life, and I like my hair short for reasons other than gender, but this isn't the first time I've considered going by a different non-birth name.
As I've said before, Ilan would have been my middle name had I been born with "boy parts," and my first name would have been a common, gender-neutral name. My parents frequently told me this story as a child, and when I came out to my mom, she apologized for not giving me that name in the first place. I guess I'm making this post to say that I agree with her now and am seriously thinking about going by that other name.
I'm about to move to a new place where I don't know anyone, so I have a good opportunity to try it out. Awkwardly, I know there are several other people (all male, I believe) with that gender-neutral first name of mine who I'll be working with on a daily basis. However, I'm mostly worried that I'll want to go back to being called Ilan, since I've never had a common name before, and then I'll have to navigate asking people to call me a different name, something I've almost entirely avoided in transition.
Anyway, I had a short haircut that I loved for the last month, for the first time since I was a kid. I started being read as male pretty much all the time and felt enormously confident compared to when I had long hair. I started feeling very strongly like my presentation was a good representation of who I actually am and something I was happy to see in the mirror.
As I adjusted to being seen the way I want to be seen, I started feeling like my name, Ilan, may not be the best fit. I still hate being called my old, feminine name, but I'm leaning more and more toward using a gender-neutral name. Basically, now that I feel more secure in my masculinity, I don't feel like I need a 100% male name anymore, the way I did when I had long hair and was constantly misgendered.
I'm transmasculine, but I'm also genderqueer, and I feel like I've let myself forget the significance of my non-binary identity in pursuit of passing, with the short hair, the male name, and masculine clothes. I don't think I'm going to change the way I've dressed my whole life, and I like my hair short for reasons other than gender, but this isn't the first time I've considered going by a different non-birth name.
As I've said before, Ilan would have been my middle name had I been born with "boy parts," and my first name would have been a common, gender-neutral name. My parents frequently told me this story as a child, and when I came out to my mom, she apologized for not giving me that name in the first place. I guess I'm making this post to say that I agree with her now and am seriously thinking about going by that other name.
I'm about to move to a new place where I don't know anyone, so I have a good opportunity to try it out. Awkwardly, I know there are several other people (all male, I believe) with that gender-neutral first name of mine who I'll be working with on a daily basis. However, I'm mostly worried that I'll want to go back to being called Ilan, since I've never had a common name before, and then I'll have to navigate asking people to call me a different name, something I've almost entirely avoided in transition.
Yippee! Well, mostly.
May. 9th, 2012 12:36 amI spent today in San Francisco and was consistently read as male. I was "gentleman" when buying lunch, "lad" when I looked lost, and "man" when talking with strangers in a bar. In San Francisco, where people are pretty used to differentiating between butches and men! I feel pretty damn accomplished about that. (-: Oh, and I wasn't binding, and I didn't make any effort to keep my voice deep (although at least the first two instances of being correctly gendered were before I said anything), and I was wearing what are technically women's shoes (but they're Tevas and look pretty unisex anyway; I just bought them because my old ones are extremely worn out and I couldn't find my size in boys'/men's). Anyway, still feeling like a success here!
In other news, my Frog Bra replacements from Les Love Boat arrived and leave something to be desired. The size S of this is too big, enough that the elastic doesn't hold it in place and it rides up in the front. I'm trying to exchange it for a different item, since getting it in a smaller size isn't an option, but if anyone here has a ribcage that's about 30"-32" around (and an overall chest measurement no more than about 36", I'd say) and has been looking for something like the Frog Bra for "lite" binding, definitely let me know. Meanwhile, the size S of this is too small, though not unworkably so. I was hoping it would be more forgiving like the Frog Bra, but actually it's pretty damn tight, like a real binder. . . not exactly what I was trying to get, but it will still be appreciated. *sigh*
EDIT: Bah, the Extra Comfort Sports Bra is tighter than any other binder I own, including the Wide Coverage Short Binder I outgrew when my lats expanded from rock climbing. If they don't let me exchange the High Performance Sports Bra for a different model, I think I'm going to try to exchange the Extra Comfort Sports Bra for a size M and hope someone will buy the High Performance Sports Bra off of me. )-; This is going to be expensive, and I'm moving so it's also going to get real complicated real fast.
In other news, my Frog Bra replacements from Les Love Boat arrived and leave something to be desired. The size S of this is too big, enough that the elastic doesn't hold it in place and it rides up in the front. I'm trying to exchange it for a different item, since getting it in a smaller size isn't an option, but if anyone here has a ribcage that's about 30"-32" around (and an overall chest measurement no more than about 36", I'd say) and has been looking for something like the Frog Bra for "lite" binding, definitely let me know. Meanwhile, the size S of this is too small, though not unworkably so. I was hoping it would be more forgiving like the Frog Bra, but actually it's pretty damn tight, like a real binder. . . not exactly what I was trying to get, but it will still be appreciated. *sigh*
EDIT: Bah, the Extra Comfort Sports Bra is tighter than any other binder I own, including the Wide Coverage Short Binder I outgrew when my lats expanded from rock climbing. If they don't let me exchange the High Performance Sports Bra for a different model, I think I'm going to try to exchange the Extra Comfort Sports Bra for a size M and hope someone will buy the High Performance Sports Bra off of me. )-; This is going to be expensive, and I'm moving so it's also going to get real complicated real fast.
Can't sleep, hormones will eat me
Apr. 21st, 2012 12:59 amI've been meaning to check up on my body fat percentage since I outgrew two binders from upper body muscle gains, and I finally got around to it today while playing hooky. The Internet tells me pretty consistently that I'm at about 20% body fat right now (which is considered "athletic" for a female but only "acceptable" for a male). In December, I estimated it was about 25% ("acceptable" for either sex), so I feel pretty accomplished; I'm about half way to my six-month goal in under four months. I was feeling badly about losing weight while trying to gain weight, but even though I'm underweight for the second time since I turned 18, I have something to be proud of. (EDIT: Upon further research, it looks like gaining 10lbs in six months was rather unrealistic to begin with. Given my female hormonal situation, it should take me twice that long to gain that much weight, and that's if I pay a lot more attention to what and how much I eat.)
And it's shit like this that makes me conflicted about T! If I can work hard and see results, and the process of doing so makes me feel good about my body, do I really need T? When I look in the mirror, I don't see a woman/girl/female anymore, and, in spite of very real and fairly regular bouts of dysphoria, I'm satisfied with that. I realize others don't see me the way I do, especially once I open my mouth, and I'm not sure if I'll handle that better when I'm on a college campus again, or if it will only worsen as I continue to age out of androgyny. But I don't even know why I'm trying to find reasons to delay T in the first place when I know it can help me become more than just satisfied with myself. The letter is right in front of me, but I can't bring myself to grab it! And I'm afraid to discuss my uncertainty with my therapist in case he decides he can't give me the letter because I'm not 100% sure I want it right now.
And it's shit like this that makes me conflicted about T! If I can work hard and see results, and the process of doing so makes me feel good about my body, do I really need T? When I look in the mirror, I don't see a woman/girl/female anymore, and, in spite of very real and fairly regular bouts of dysphoria, I'm satisfied with that. I realize others don't see me the way I do, especially once I open my mouth, and I'm not sure if I'll handle that better when I'm on a college campus again, or if it will only worsen as I continue to age out of androgyny. But I don't even know why I'm trying to find reasons to delay T in the first place when I know it can help me become more than just satisfied with myself. The letter is right in front of me, but I can't bring myself to grab it! And I'm afraid to discuss my uncertainty with my therapist in case he decides he can't give me the letter because I'm not 100% sure I want it right now.
Gaah! Reading about this made me feel a little ill just now. I actually love the idea of this event, giving cis folks (and maybe binary-identified trans people) an idea of what it's like to be transgender, and especially non-binary identified. But when I read the description, it reminded me of my own cowardice and the toll taken by "the path of least resistance." I would not be able to take this challenge right now!
( rambling about bathrooms, locker rooms, and pajamas )
( rambling about bathrooms, locker rooms, and pajamas )
Counseling (heavily edited for clarity)
Mar. 19th, 2012 02:11 pmI just wrapped up a session with my health coach, and since we talked about gender things a lot, I wanted to write something here before I forgot everything (though I did take notes, as always). Obviously things are a lot more complicated than what I said in our brief phone conversation, but it was more than I'd gotten to say with my therapist over the last month, and I feel like it was a good start in the sense that I can now tell my therapist, "Hey, I got help from a health coach in these ways, and here's how it was useful, can we talk like that, too?"
Therapy has been going really slowly, and I find that immensely frustrating. I initially said that what I wanted to get out of gender therapy was a decision about what aspects of transition were right for me, but upon taking that apart a bit, I think what I really want is more certainty about what parts I've pretty much already decided to pursue in the nebulous, distant future. I think I already know what I want, but I want to be confident that I'm doing what I need to, not just indulging something optional or something that I could regret. And I feel like I really need to decide soon, so that it's easier to just be Ilan, not Ilan who used to be [birth name] when ey registered here, when I head off to grad school in June.
We talked about what changes I want from T. I really, really want my voice to be lower and for my face to look more masculine. I'd also like the changes to face, body, and head hair (though I worry I might regret those later on). Ease of gaining muscle and body fat redistribution would be fantastic, but I'm not sure if I'm even thinking about being on T long enough for that. And we talked about changes I'm less enthusiastic about, too. I don't know if I want downstairs growth. What if I can't ignore things as well then and spend more time being dysphoric about my crotch? I'm also concerned about my hormonal acne worsening.
I got to talk a little about why I've waited so long to get started on medical transition. I felt so comfortable at school where everyone important knew I was genderqueer that the issue wasn't really forced. Dysphoria regarding my crotch was mostly isolated to one week a month, and as long as I didn't have to wear a bra, my chest didn't bother me because I rarely left campus. I talked about wanting facial hair and a deeper voice, but I didn't feel like I couldn't live without it. . . now that I'm not surrounded by supportive people who will take my word for it regarding my gender, I feel like I can't be perceived the way I should be without changes from T. The health coach asked if I wanted to pass, and I said I wasn't sure, because it just seems so impossible and far away. If I really wanted to pass, I should have already done a bunch of things like cutting my hair, right? It was another one of those things that just wasn't an issue when I was in college and has been painful on a daily basis since I graduated and moved away, but I haven't done anything to fix it yet.
I also opened up about questioning my motives for transition -- am I just a misogynist? am I doing this for me or for other people? -- and its effect on my health given my other problems. I'm concerned about being on T for the rest of my life. I don't like being on medications, and I'm on several that will probably be life-long commitments due to chronic illnesses. It seems counterproductive to sign up for more of that if less is an option. But I can't see myself continuing to let my body be dominated by regularly fluctuating female hormones for much longer, and there doesn't seem to be an option to not have sex hormones. I really don't know if starting T soon will help me resolve this.
I got some useful medical-type information, too. Though genes control a lot of the hair distribution type stuff (face, head, and body), apparently voice isn't quite like that, because I won't be getting voice changes like a cisguy would during puberty, which makse sense because I know my voice has "matured" in some ways since I hit puberty the first time around. This means that while I can probably count on not being able to grow a beard, my voice is not doomed to be the same as my father's bizzarely high voice. It's also possible that my hormonal acne could improve on T, that I might have problems because my hormone levels are currently between the femle and male ranges, and my skin might stop rebelling if given the correct dose for either sex. Obviously some testing is in order, but it's an option I wasn't really aware of before.
However, there was a lot that I didn't talk about that I would want to discuss further with a counselor. One of the changes I'd really like from T is an end to the monthly reminder that I have female reproductive organs. I feel bad about this because there are other ways to stop it that are perceived as "less drastic," and I've never pursued any of those for what seem like weak reasons, plus I might want to be on a low dose that only makes things wonkier. I'd also be overjoyed to see my chest shrink further, so maybe I could get surgery by a method that's less likely to result in loss of sensation. (EDIT: I just spent the afternoon looking at Transbucket, and I think I've got a real shot at peri if I ended up going for surgery at all, moreso if I get just a bit more shrinkage.) One of my unsaid fears about starting T is that the changes will make my long-term partner stop being attracted to me. He's not making any promises, but knowing that he's trying not to have to break a promise that our feelings will never change doesn't make me feel any more confident in possibly putting our relationship at risk.
I also didn't go into my non-binary identity at all, which is a bigger deal than I generally let on. I want people close to me to see me as Ilan, who isn't a woman or a man, but I want those not close to me to just see another guy, because if I have to choose, and I very much feel that I do, I need to be perceived as not-female, which means transitioning to male, at least on the surface. I guess I didn't mention it explicitly to the health coach because I see him as being part of the not-close category, and I guess that makes sense since we've only met once and talked on the phone three times, but I feel like this is something I should be able to talk about more in counseling. And because we didn't go into my non-binary identity, we didn't talk about my alternatives to T, namely more exercise, voice coaching, and other things I can do to be read as male and feel more comfortable with my body.
Anyway, we talked a bit about what I can do about getting T if therapy moves too slowly and I end up having to move before starting T. I think that was really important to consider and not something that would have come up with my therapist. I'm going to be making an appointment for shortly before I move with one of the sliding-scale informed consent clinics here in the Bay Area. If I get a "T letter" (probably just a referral to an endocrinologist?) before the appointment, I'll cancel and someone with an emergency will get my slot. But if therapy never gets off the ground and I feel like I need to get going before introducing myself to my new department, I can still make it happen. (EDIT: I called the Lyon-Martin Clinic but got lost in a maze of automated voicemail subroutines. I'll try again tomorrow with a script for what my message will say and a stimulant to back me up when it comes to following the instructions.)
Therapy has been going really slowly, and I find that immensely frustrating. I initially said that what I wanted to get out of gender therapy was a decision about what aspects of transition were right for me, but upon taking that apart a bit, I think what I really want is more certainty about what parts I've pretty much already decided to pursue in the nebulous, distant future. I think I already know what I want, but I want to be confident that I'm doing what I need to, not just indulging something optional or something that I could regret. And I feel like I really need to decide soon, so that it's easier to just be Ilan, not Ilan who used to be [birth name] when ey registered here, when I head off to grad school in June.
We talked about what changes I want from T. I really, really want my voice to be lower and for my face to look more masculine. I'd also like the changes to face, body, and head hair (though I worry I might regret those later on). Ease of gaining muscle and body fat redistribution would be fantastic, but I'm not sure if I'm even thinking about being on T long enough for that. And we talked about changes I'm less enthusiastic about, too. I don't know if I want downstairs growth. What if I can't ignore things as well then and spend more time being dysphoric about my crotch? I'm also concerned about my hormonal acne worsening.
I got to talk a little about why I've waited so long to get started on medical transition. I felt so comfortable at school where everyone important knew I was genderqueer that the issue wasn't really forced. Dysphoria regarding my crotch was mostly isolated to one week a month, and as long as I didn't have to wear a bra, my chest didn't bother me because I rarely left campus. I talked about wanting facial hair and a deeper voice, but I didn't feel like I couldn't live without it. . . now that I'm not surrounded by supportive people who will take my word for it regarding my gender, I feel like I can't be perceived the way I should be without changes from T. The health coach asked if I wanted to pass, and I said I wasn't sure, because it just seems so impossible and far away. If I really wanted to pass, I should have already done a bunch of things like cutting my hair, right? It was another one of those things that just wasn't an issue when I was in college and has been painful on a daily basis since I graduated and moved away, but I haven't done anything to fix it yet.
I also opened up about questioning my motives for transition -- am I just a misogynist? am I doing this for me or for other people? -- and its effect on my health given my other problems. I'm concerned about being on T for the rest of my life. I don't like being on medications, and I'm on several that will probably be life-long commitments due to chronic illnesses. It seems counterproductive to sign up for more of that if less is an option. But I can't see myself continuing to let my body be dominated by regularly fluctuating female hormones for much longer, and there doesn't seem to be an option to not have sex hormones. I really don't know if starting T soon will help me resolve this.
I got some useful medical-type information, too. Though genes control a lot of the hair distribution type stuff (face, head, and body), apparently voice isn't quite like that, because I won't be getting voice changes like a cisguy would during puberty, which makse sense because I know my voice has "matured" in some ways since I hit puberty the first time around. This means that while I can probably count on not being able to grow a beard, my voice is not doomed to be the same as my father's bizzarely high voice. It's also possible that my hormonal acne could improve on T, that I might have problems because my hormone levels are currently between the femle and male ranges, and my skin might stop rebelling if given the correct dose for either sex. Obviously some testing is in order, but it's an option I wasn't really aware of before.
However, there was a lot that I didn't talk about that I would want to discuss further with a counselor. One of the changes I'd really like from T is an end to the monthly reminder that I have female reproductive organs. I feel bad about this because there are other ways to stop it that are perceived as "less drastic," and I've never pursued any of those for what seem like weak reasons, plus I might want to be on a low dose that only makes things wonkier. I'd also be overjoyed to see my chest shrink further, so maybe I could get surgery by a method that's less likely to result in loss of sensation. (EDIT: I just spent the afternoon looking at Transbucket, and I think I've got a real shot at peri if I ended up going for surgery at all, moreso if I get just a bit more shrinkage.) One of my unsaid fears about starting T is that the changes will make my long-term partner stop being attracted to me. He's not making any promises, but knowing that he's trying not to have to break a promise that our feelings will never change doesn't make me feel any more confident in possibly putting our relationship at risk.
I also didn't go into my non-binary identity at all, which is a bigger deal than I generally let on. I want people close to me to see me as Ilan, who isn't a woman or a man, but I want those not close to me to just see another guy, because if I have to choose, and I very much feel that I do, I need to be perceived as not-female, which means transitioning to male, at least on the surface. I guess I didn't mention it explicitly to the health coach because I see him as being part of the not-close category, and I guess that makes sense since we've only met once and talked on the phone three times, but I feel like this is something I should be able to talk about more in counseling. And because we didn't go into my non-binary identity, we didn't talk about my alternatives to T, namely more exercise, voice coaching, and other things I can do to be read as male and feel more comfortable with my body.
Anyway, we talked a bit about what I can do about getting T if therapy moves too slowly and I end up having to move before starting T. I think that was really important to consider and not something that would have come up with my therapist. I'm going to be making an appointment for shortly before I move with one of the sliding-scale informed consent clinics here in the Bay Area. If I get a "T letter" (probably just a referral to an endocrinologist?) before the appointment, I'll cancel and someone with an emergency will get my slot. But if therapy never gets off the ground and I feel like I need to get going before introducing myself to my new department, I can still make it happen. (EDIT: I called the Lyon-Martin Clinic but got lost in a maze of automated voicemail subroutines. I'll try again tomorrow with a script for what my message will say and a stimulant to back me up when it comes to following the instructions.)
LJ, why you do this?!
Sep. 7th, 2011 11:14 amLJ keeps eating the post I'm trying to make, so I'll try to make it brief, because my posts are deleted as soon as I try to use the goddamn Cut Wizard (or do it manually in HTML).
I haven't posted lately because I'm depressed, but I'm depressed (at least in part) because of vitamin deficiencies. I won't buy more vitamins because the only ones that have all the stuff I'm deficient in are "women's" vitamins, and I'm stubborn.
I started but quit an exercise program due to being a complete wimp. Which is to say, I have no endurance and may not know how to do a proper pushup. But I might try again when I'm less sick.
I went to my first doctor's appointment on my new insurance to get my prescriptions refilled, and it went very poorly. The doctor was pushy about me not getting a Pap because I'm over 21, despite not having any risk for exposure to HPV. But the doctor didn't seem concerned that I was ignoring a chronic condition that I've had to have surgery for in the past, and she tried to prescribe me a dangerous medication without mentioning the risks. At least she didn't blatantly assume I was a lesbian. And to add insult to injury the insurance company sent me a letter saying that I hadn't picked a primary care doctor yet, which was bullshit because I'd just had an appointment with one. No, the letter went on to say that all females over 18 enrolled in the plan had to also pick a gynecologist, and if I didn't pick one, they'd pick one for me. If they do, I will call and complain, but I doubt I can do much more than that.
I also went clothes shopping because it's colder in San Francisco than it is in Los Angeles, and I was consistently read as a non-binary gender. It was great, except for one salesperson who seemed to think that queer was contagious.
Anyway, I'll be catching up on LJ when I'm not obsessively watching this.
Edited for more LJ code fail. No clue what's going on here.
I haven't posted lately because I'm depressed, but I'm depressed (at least in part) because of vitamin deficiencies. I won't buy more vitamins because the only ones that have all the stuff I'm deficient in are "women's" vitamins, and I'm stubborn.
I started but quit an exercise program due to being a complete wimp. Which is to say, I have no endurance and may not know how to do a proper pushup. But I might try again when I'm less sick.
I went to my first doctor's appointment on my new insurance to get my prescriptions refilled, and it went very poorly. The doctor was pushy about me not getting a Pap because I'm over 21, despite not having any risk for exposure to HPV. But the doctor didn't seem concerned that I was ignoring a chronic condition that I've had to have surgery for in the past, and she tried to prescribe me a dangerous medication without mentioning the risks. At least she didn't blatantly assume I was a lesbian. And to add insult to injury the insurance company sent me a letter saying that I hadn't picked a primary care doctor yet, which was bullshit because I'd just had an appointment with one. No, the letter went on to say that all females over 18 enrolled in the plan had to also pick a gynecologist, and if I didn't pick one, they'd pick one for me. If they do, I will call and complain, but I doubt I can do much more than that.
I also went clothes shopping because it's colder in San Francisco than it is in Los Angeles, and I was consistently read as a non-binary gender. It was great, except for one salesperson who seemed to think that queer was contagious.
Anyway, I'll be catching up on LJ when I'm not obsessively watching this.
Edited for more LJ code fail. No clue what's going on here.
