Can't sleep, hormones will eat me

[aidenonymous]

I've been meaning to check up on my body fat percentage since I outgrew two binders from upper body muscle gains, and I finally got around to it today while playing hooky.  The Internet tells me pretty consistently that I'm at about 20% body fat right now (which is considered "athletic" for a female but only "acceptable" for a male).  In December, I estimated it was about 25% ("acceptable" for either sex), so I feel pretty accomplished; I'm about half way to my six-month goal in under four months.  I was feeling badly about losing weight while trying to gain weight, but even though I'm underweight for the second time since I turned 18, I have something to be proud of.  (EDIT: Upon further research, it looks like gaining 10lbs in six months was rather unrealistic to begin with.  Given my female hormonal situation, it should take me twice that long to gain that much weight, and that's if I pay a lot more attention to what and how much I eat.)

And it's shit like this that makes me conflicted about T!  If I can work hard and see results, and the process of doing so makes me feel good about my body, do I really need T?  When I look in the mirror, I don't see a woman/girl/female anymore, and, in spite of very real and fairly regular bouts of dysphoria, I'm satisfied with that.  I realize others don't see me the way I do, especially once I open my mouth, and I'm not sure if I'll handle that better when I'm on a college campus again, or if it will only worsen as I continue to age out of androgyny.  But I don't even know why I'm trying to find reasons to delay T in the first place when I know it can help me become more than just satisfied with myself.  The letter is right in front of me, but I can't bring myself to grab it!  And I'm afraid to discuss my uncertainty with my therapist in case he decides he can't give me the letter because I'm not 100% sure I want it right now.

Comments

[alifjiim.livejournal.com]

I can't remember if I've mentioned this to you or I had this conversation with someone else, but have you considered a low dose? Obviously, T affects everyone differently, and a low-ish dose actually gives me slightly above average T levels, but with a really low dose, you might experience the changes more slowly. And/or, maybe starting and stopping once your voice drops? Some changes, like the fat distribution, aren't permanent. And who knows? Maybe once you start you'll decide you like all the changes...? (These are probably things you want to talk to your therapist and doctor about, since I am neither.)

And, I can see why you're worried, but a good therapist shouldn't deny you your T letter just because you're uncertain.

(PS: If you want me to shut up with the unsolicited advice, let me know. I dunno if you're writing to express your thoughts or writing to gain comments...)

[ilanthefirst.livejournal.com]

Comments are very much appreciated! I write both to get this stuff off my chest and in hopes that other people can offer advice. . . you're just the only one whose been doing that lately. q-:

Anyway, I'm actually only considering low-dose T. I'm also only considering topical T, as opposed to injections, so I can stop immediately if I need to, rather than potentially waiting weeks for the dose to wear off. As for stopping T, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. I very much suspect I won't want to stop after I start, since it would allow me to get all the "indoor plumbing" removed without the guarantee of osteoperosis, but I'm trying not to get ahead of myself.

[alifjiim.livejournal.com]

Well I guess I'll just have to comment excessively to make up for the lack of comments from everyone else :p

That all sounds like a good plan...I know you're trying to gather the courage to start T so I hope a negative comment doesn't set you back too much, but like I said, even a low dose may have more effect than you intended, so you might want to keep that in mind. However, I only have experience with injections, and I'm really not that informed about topical T so I can't give you much advice about how that all balances out.

[ilanthefirst.livejournal.com]

*nods* I really appreciate your honesty and don't want to let myself get so set on T that I ignore information I won't want to hear. I know even with a low dose, the rate of various changes isn't predictable. I'm trying to do more research and have just discovered the genderqueer community on YouTube, where there's lots of documentation on the experiences of other non-binary folks on low-dose T, so I'll have plenty of "homework" to do over the summer before submitting my letter to an endo.

[freakygems.livejournal.com]

I agree with alifjiim, a low dose can be a strating point when dealing with ambivalence and not knowing quite yet what feels right for you. Also it does depend on individuals, what you want to get out of hormones and if that can be acheived perhaps through working out and/or voice training.

There is an unspoken group of individuals who I call 'gender pirates' who choose to not always take testosterone and transition without hormones and surgery. It can be done and again, it is what you feel is right for you.

Personally I am yet undecided even though I have the letter and will see an endo next week. So much of it I am unsure about but at the same time I know I want to try a low dose to see if it is for me. Thankfully i have had a counsellor that I could discuss my ambivalence with - someone aside from the psych who writes the letter and is in a gatekeeper role.

[ilanthefirst.livejournal.com]

I want to know more about these "gender pirates!" I've happened upon some non-op communities (none active), and have heard of no-ho trans folks, but I've had trouble finding information. I just gave in and set up a browser that can view YouTube videos, though, and there seem to be plenty of genderqueer folks considering/taking low-dose T on there, so I've by no means exhausted available resources.

I'm really looking forward to getting the letter from my therapist (eek, in less than three weeks) so I can start over with a new therapist after I move and actually get counseling to figure out if I want T in the first place, with the power to actually start in my hands rather than someone else's. Thanks for the feedback!