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aidenonymousOkay, that really good feeling is coming back. I just saw the new Star Trek and am feeling euphoric again. Yes, it exceeded my expectations and was actually really good (and sufficiently nerdy), but what was really good was hanging out with someone from work that I have not been getting along with lately because I think we moved past our problems and can almost maybe be friends. And that was enabled by me functioning socially at a level I rarely achieve.
I'm no quicker to find words, and I'm not much better at knowing when to break into conversation. I don't exactly feel more confident, but something is different. The word that comes to mind is "grounded," and I've never felt it this strongly before. The last time I felt anything like this was when I stopped shaving my legs and underarms in 2008; suddenly I was connected to the immediate surroundings of my brain, namely my body. My limbs became an extension of my head, and then I felt like I could do things with them, and that's when I started doing yoga, because I had posession of a body capable of it for the first time.
Now, it's more than just an immediate connection to my body, and in fact that's not really consciously part of it at all. I think it might be a connection to my voice, and since hearing is an entirely different sense and making sound is its own sensation, I guess that's why I'm experiencing groundedness in a new way that's manifesting socially. I'm not really feeling much social anxiety anymore, even though I'm still perceived as female among most people. I honestly don't know if it's because I no longer care how I'm treated. . . I'll have to think about this more.
My roommate made a reference to me being on T to a housemate and her girlfriend, in my presence, and I didn't mind at all. I don't know when people from work will notice my voice, since it's changing remarkably fast, but I'm not feeling anxious about it. I mean, I should have a plan for what to tell them, but I'm not sure I want to do some kind of formal coming out. I already go by a gender-neutral name, and I've all but disappeared. I don't think I'll necessarily mind feminine pronouns if, if, if I'm not sure what, but I think I'm approaching it on this path, although I don't know at what distance. I just feel right in a way I can't recall feeling before, and I'm okay with other people knowing. How to get that knowledge to them in a way I'm comfortable with is something I really should think about, because I'm pretty sure it's not going to be easy. But that's a problem for another night.
I'm no quicker to find words, and I'm not much better at knowing when to break into conversation. I don't exactly feel more confident, but something is different. The word that comes to mind is "grounded," and I've never felt it this strongly before. The last time I felt anything like this was when I stopped shaving my legs and underarms in 2008; suddenly I was connected to the immediate surroundings of my brain, namely my body. My limbs became an extension of my head, and then I felt like I could do things with them, and that's when I started doing yoga, because I had posession of a body capable of it for the first time.
Now, it's more than just an immediate connection to my body, and in fact that's not really consciously part of it at all. I think it might be a connection to my voice, and since hearing is an entirely different sense and making sound is its own sensation, I guess that's why I'm experiencing groundedness in a new way that's manifesting socially. I'm not really feeling much social anxiety anymore, even though I'm still perceived as female among most people. I honestly don't know if it's because I no longer care how I'm treated. . . I'll have to think about this more.
My roommate made a reference to me being on T to a housemate and her girlfriend, in my presence, and I didn't mind at all. I don't know when people from work will notice my voice, since it's changing remarkably fast, but I'm not feeling anxious about it. I mean, I should have a plan for what to tell them, but I'm not sure I want to do some kind of formal coming out. I already go by a gender-neutral name, and I've all but disappeared. I don't think I'll necessarily mind feminine pronouns if, if, if I'm not sure what, but I think I'm approaching it on this path, although I don't know at what distance. I just feel right in a way I can't recall feeling before, and I'm okay with other people knowing. How to get that knowledge to them in a way I'm comfortable with is something I really should think about, because I'm pretty sure it's not going to be easy. But that's a problem for another night.
