Blur

[aidenonymous]

I rudely walked out of playing games with people today because I couldn't handle them referring to me by my birth name (there are exactly three people in this town who do that, due to meeting them before I decided to go to school here) and making jokes about me not having a dick.  I am in a weird place right now where I'm wallowing in isolation, but taking every action to isolate myself further.  I've been having recurring dreams about my dead friends.  Why are so many people I cared about dead?  I'm sleeping a lot but not really aware of feeling depressed.  I feel a lot of pressure related to my research and a lot of fear of having to teach again, but I can't identify other sources of stress in my life right now.  I'm just more interested in escaping real world problems than facing them head on.  It's like the better I feel about my body, the worse I feel about everything else.  I got drunk two nights ago, for the first time ever, just to see what it was like -- a balance between fun and uncomfortable -- and am glad no one but my partner was there to see it happen.  That was the day after I made the conscious decision to indulge irresponsibility and flake out on a commitment without reason or warning; no one called me out on not cleaning the kitchen on my assigned night at the house, but I apologized today nonetheless.

EDIT: I can't honestly claim I was drunk, just drunker than I've ever been before.

Comments

[mechers.livejournal.com]

That sounds appropriate, not rude.

I don't want to project too much, but for me, feeling better about my body seemed to bring into focus everything else that I had been putting up with that really was not good. I'd just been too wrapped up in dealing with my body to notice.

[ilanthefirst.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I still feel like I owe them an explanation of what they did wrong, since they're the only people who could legitimately claim to not know any better. By not telling them, aren't I refusing them any opportunity to make things right? Or am I totally nuts for justifying their behavior at all?

I think you're right about it being possible to not notice other (social) problems until the more pressing (body) problems have abated, but I'm still concerned that the instability could be hormonal in nature. I haven't a clue how to determine the actual cause.