Fear

[aidenonymous]

I've got far too many half-written posts to be starting another, but I guess this is kinda important.  I pulled an all-nighter on Wednesday-to-Thursday and forgot to apply my T the next day.  That was actually the first time I forgot to do it at all.  "No biggie," I told myself.  I got home late and decided to apply it at midnight and let that be the dose for Thursday and Friday.

Last night, I looked at my face in the mirror and saw dark hairs growing on my upper lip and got scared.  When I woke up this morning, the dark hairs were still evident in the mirror.  I didn't want to dose myself, so I didn't.  I haven't had T in my system for about 18 hours.  Since 7 May 2013, I haven't spent more than 12 hours without any added T in my body.

Apparently I really, really don't want to shave my upper lip.  I know there are women, plenty of them, with more substantial mustaches than what I've got, and some of them shave, too.  That's not what this is about though.  I don't care if other people see my facial hair and make assessments of my gender that are in any way influenced by that.  I love having sideburns, but I'm somehow deeply afraid of both shaving my upper lip and having a tween's 'stache.  This is one of those internal dysphoria things that's independent of what anyone else thinks, and I'm more comfortable heeding those feelings than those I know are responses to something external, like how people interact with me.

What does this mean?  I don't know if I'm taking a break or stopping or what, although I suspect I'll cave and apply a dose for Saturday and Sunday at midnight tonight.  I'm sorta glad my partner's out of town right now because I don't think talking to him would clarify anything for me.  While I think it's important to leave evidence of my doubts where I can't deny them, I don't think this is something for which I should make myself accountable to others, especially those who are invested in my choice.

How does it feel?  I haven't been really self-conscious about my voice or unable to interact with people socially.  I don't think I can go a week without T, not now anyway, because I'm starting to feel anxious about all the stuff I have to do this week.  I have some public speaking lined up, among other things, and just feel like I need T in order to face the world.  But I'm going to need to get over my fear of shaving my upper lip first.  I don't know who to ask for help.  I really wish I had a big brother right now, preferably a non-binary one.

Comments

[mechers.livejournal.com]

I know that fear very intimately. I'm sorry you're dealing with it.

[ilanthefirst.livejournal.com]

How did you get over it? I know you talk about its logical consequences pretty regularly. Has it gotten any easier?

[mechers.livejournal.com]

Since this is a public post, I made an entry in my journal. It's filtered for only you (let me know if you'd like it opened to my general trans filter):

http://mechers.livejournal.com/1486111.html

[ilanthefirst.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I'll reply there and am cool with you opening it to the filter.

To my assesement -you've got a set of balances at work in your self- image calculations,

[capybyra.livejournal.com]

Anxiety about work or tasks is a stand alone from gender in the most unstressed of humans. Gender carries it's own cultural imperatives and you are doing an internal re-sort of them so it's unsurprising that conflicts simply-are. And acceptance of working it out as you go along can be a key to unlock your life.

Always ask yourself HOW to find the path of safe comforts. Comforts banish fears... that has several layers in the cases of T and your upper lip:)

Are you conflicted about the mechanics- the emotions- or all the elements? Processing the "why" of them is part of your becoming as you need to be. It's all about being comfortable as you need to be.

Shaving that upper lip is like any learned action. Simply apply calm determination to master it. Be unashamed to search for tutorials and videos. Either femme or boy-shaving can be a comfort ritual too.

Your skin and hair is going to be amusingly just as you said- in a sort of tween state so skin tenderness will make shaving needfully more delicate. Details count, things like a heated lather machine and using hot washcloths before lathering up- using fresh blades as often as needful plus being aware of shaving WITH the hair growth= DOWN not up- your face to avoid nicks.

Keeping the painful needful of a styptic "no-nik' pencil to stop the often exasperatingly unavoidable tiny cuts we get. It's all learning curve. You mastered the femme things- now you master the male ones same as any boy grows into man things.

Picking a masculine aftershave is also part of developing "Self" as such. Either exotica from foreign countries or the comforting herd scents of cheap Brut, Aqua Velva and so on. It's all good if you make it so.

Hopefully I helped.

[freakygems.livejournal.com]

I don't know if you are feeling a kind of stuck-ness or anxiety about the unwanted upper lip hair. I wonder if you are speaking out loud a lot of fears people have but are to afraid to mention. Through your post/evidence I noticed that even though you are feeling stuck/anxious/scared that you ended with wanting to figure out how to shave that hair.

I might not be able to provide answers but I definitely empathise with this struggle. I dealt with my through hair removal cream :P