Moving on

[aidenonymous]

I want to make myself keep posting because I'm hoping it'll be good for my mental health.  (My new therapist isn't the sort to tell me what to do outside of therapy, and I'm glad the impulse to write is coming from me.)  I've been a mess for about two months now, and it didn't look like it was going to get any better until approximately two days ago in special-appointment-weekend therapy when I decided to stop blaming myself for what happened.  That is a big deal.

Anyone reading this is probably wondering what it is that happened that I was blaming myself for.  As seems to be a recurring theme in my life, something impossible and terrible happened to me.  And as of two days ago, I decided it wasn't my fault.  If it had been, I would also have the superpower of prescience because some things can't be anticipated because no one has the knowledge that they could ever occur in the first place.  I made progress by accepting that fact, and by not holding myself to an unreasonable standard of mistrusting others regardless of circumstances.  I've still got a bad case of the "why me?"s and persistently wish I could go back and do things differently, but letting go of the tremendous guilt has already made a big difference.

I guess I really just don't want to start at the beginning because of the degree to which it involves admitting I made a big (but possibly unavoidable) mistake, which is a shame because it's usually the best place to start a story if you want it to make sense to anyone else.  I don't know how much I care about getting feedback on this.  So far whenever I've tried it hasn't actually led to any relief of my feelings on the matter.  But a PM from a friend here made me feel a lot better than telling two IRL friends, so maybe it will help to talk with people here.

Comments

[varanus.livejournal.com]

I'm reading between a lot of lines here, so if I have read this wrong I apologize.

These sorts of things are never your "fault." Even if there was "something you could have done" to make a different outcome, it's still not your fault. Why? Because it's not your job to ensure that other people behave right. That's their job, and if they don't do it it's always on them. It's a measure of how truly fucked up our society is that in certain situations a victim is somehow expected to control the thoughts and actions for everyone around.

[ilanthefirst.livejournal.com]

Let's just say I played more than a small role in what happened. I sort of hold myself responsible for determining who to trust and to what extent. Any reasonable person would have done the same, but I apparently think I'm more reasonable than average and should thus have superpowers. Yeah, I know it's faulty logic, but that's what's going on in my head. /-:

[varanus.livejournal.com]

Even if you totally trusted someone you shouldn'tve (and I am not conceding this, just for argument's sake), the fault still lies with the treacherous party. In "gray areas," the fault may lie with no one. But it's virtually impossible for the fault to lie with the wronged party.

I have made extraordinary errors of judgment. Like, inexplicably bad. i wouldn't recommend that, but it still gives no quarter for those who betrayed me, even if in hindsight they were betraying machines.

[ilanthefirst.livejournal.com]

Thanks, this is solid reasoning that's helped me a lot.

[mechers.livejournal.com]

Stopping blaming yourself is maybe the biggest deal of all.

[ilanthefirst.livejournal.com]

Thanks, I certainly thought so. I was hoping it would make more of a difference than it feels like it has, but I'm writing again (among other signs of good mental health, for me) so maybe I just don't have enough perspective on it.

[mechers.livejournal.com]

I ususally only recognize it weeks (or sometimes months! I can be dense) after it's started making a difference.